crazy_stupid

My life
2013-11-05 21:00:13 (UTC)

Feeling so low

I know I haven't done this in a while so here goes........ So a few months back I got the greatest news the best news ever, I was expecting. I was so happy. I thought everything was going good. My boyfriend and I got our own place, he got a job. I didn't think things could get any better. For some reason I had a feeling that something wasn't right. So I installed a keylogger on laptop. Come to find out my boyfriend has been telling my "so called best friend" for months that he wasn't happy and wanted to find his own place, and he should've thought things out before we got pregnant. To add more heartache, he had also been telling her that "there were things he would like to do to her" ect. I confronted him about it and he told me he didn't mean anything sexual by it. I asked if there was nothing sexual ment, then how did you mean it? He couldn't tell me. all he could say was it wasn't ment sexually. I told him I didn't know how he could sit there and look me in the face and like. Eventually the next day he admitted it. He had been making passes at her for quite sometime. According to him nothing happened. Well talking to friends she had told them that he had tried to kiss her and sure turned her head. Meanwhile not either of them giving me an inkling of what was going on. (Some best friend right?) Oh and the "best friend" is also sleeping with a man with a live in girlfriend at work, bragging to everyone about it. Such strong morals these two have. My heart is broken. I feel like dirt. Like I am not good enough, or not able to please him or make him happy. I don't know what I want. I love him so much and we have been together for 5 years and I don't want to lose that. But the other part of me is telling me to run like hell. I don't think he will ever be capable of loving me. He cried all night last night. Telling me he loved me and trying to kiss me. Telling me he is a fuck up and ruined the best thing he ever had. He said he don't know if he could be without me but hes afraid he will hurt me again. Really? Like what the fuck is that?!? My head hurts from all the thinking the last few days. I just don't know what to do. If it was just me I would've left. I know pregnancy is not an excuse to stay. I just cant believe that he would do this to me with my "best friend" and she couldn't tell me. I even text her that night and told her I saw all the messages between them and that some fucking friend she is. She didn't even have the balls to defend herself.The sad part is we work together. She couldn't even look at me and avoided me the whole time. I just don't understand how I didn't see this. I don't understand why I feel like I am the problem and the reason he cheated. I know its not me, but its hard not feeling like it is, or feeling like I am never going to be happy or get what I deserve. I know when this baby comes I am going to do everything in my power so she NEVER has to feel like I do. It's the most horrible feeling in the world when you feel like you are no better than the chewed up, spit out gum on the bottom of someones shoes. No one should ever have to feel like this. I just have a way of picking men I guess. Every single one has done this to me. Then they always say the same thing " I don't know why I did it". Seriously. You know why you did it! You just don't have the balls to tell me why you did it. I feel like total garbage right now. I have not a clue what to do or say or how to handle this. I just wish these feelings would go away for a little while so I didn't have to feel this way constantly for so long. Its hard and I don't anyone understands unless they have been there. I don't understand why I am blaming myself when I know I am not the one to blame.




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