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2013-10-29 19:22:10 (UTC)

So. Much. Anxiety. (and schizophrenia, again)

[Okay I got feedback from one person and and and I just wanted to say that I WILL reply!!! It's just been a hectic couple of days and I don't like just winging my replies. I don't have much time to think about it so it might be like a week before I reply. Because that is something I really suck at. Getting back to people even when I want to.]

"Missing" by Evanescence

Tuesday October 29, 2013 8:24 PM

Lowest Weight: 109.2 lbs
Highest Weight: 112 lbs

ANXIETY TIME. dun dun dun. I should have a theme song for this.

Okay, so I was anxious from waking up. In school, it multiplied by 1000000. I almost cried several times today. I stuck my head in my locker and left it there for awhile because that's the only place it's peaceful in that school.

Well, more anxiety when I lost my pencil bag third period. That sounds unimportant but it had (list time!!):

-iPod (cost like $200)
-brand new headphones (twenty dollars, but they're new)
- pencils... which are important to me. During the school year, pencils are the equivalent to precious jewels.
- Expensive art pens (well, expensive for a pen)
- Trustworthy sharpener (do you know how hard it is to find a sharpener that won't let you down???)

Ninth period, my friend came up to me and told me she had it since second period. Apparently, I dropped it. I don't have any classes with her until the end of the day so that's why blurgh.

The anxiety was torture. In shop, I was thinking so senselessly and quickly. I mean it was like a car pile up and the cars just wouldn't stop coming. One thought was "bipolar racing thoughts" and then I was like "idiot, you're not bipolar, it's a misdiagnosis" and then I zoned out for awhil while I was cutting something out. It just got so bad. I haven't been tha anxious in awhile. I was afraid I was going to stop functioning and I'd just... sit there, burning a hole in my stomach.

In other news,

I punched the hell out of my hands. After school today, I hung out with my friend Sam for awhile before coming home. When I did, before going straight to Netflix I was all like, "Hmm. Maybe I should be productive..." I went into our basement, did four sets of ten push-ups, which was hard for me since I haven't exercised regularly since August. I wrapped my hands using this weird pre wrap stuff I got from Claire's two years ago for soccer.

I thought I did pretty good covering my knuckles thickly, but I was using my punching bag, seeing how many times I could punch one spot with both fists (I counted punching with one fist and then the other as 1) in 30 seconds. I alternated which fist I started with.

Well, fifteen minutes later, Ethan (where the fuck did he come from??? He's supposed to be living an hour away but I guess he's a wizard) came into the basement all like, "Where's your parents."

And I was all like, "I dunno." I unwrapped my hands and SKIN IS PEELING OFF THEM. Great. I don't have gloves or that stuff that you should use to ACTUALLY wrap your hands, and I guess giraffe print pre wrap doesn't do the trick.

He started to leave, but then my parents came home and we talked about Caroline and how some of us thought the Bipolar 2 diagnosis was bullshit (me, Ethan) and what made them think she had it (dad. Mom didn't choose sides).

Ethan thinks Caroline has mild schizophrenia since she kinda went... well... when she did the think to her arm and face, she couldn't really remember too clearly, and she almost jumped out a window before that, and she has a really dis organized brain.
Her memory has been deteriorating over the years. It wasn't so bad in high school but it's sooo much worse now. She has more symptoms for schizophrenia than bipolar disorder. Have I stressed how much I hate psychiatrists? I swear most of them talk to a person, ask them questions, and diagnose them. They don't even wait to observe that behavior. And they're confusing!!! They make things sound mild when really, the outcome of the diagnosis is not you at all.

Well. I oughtta go. I'm feeling pretty awesome right now. So cartwheels and unicorns, have a lurvely day :)

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