People Confuse Me...
This is not something I'm very good at, understanding
people I mean. The pain, the suffering, the joy, the
laughter, the wondering and curiosity, the emptiness
and depression. I have had all of these... and some
to the extreme. The world is so different. There is
no Gray area. It is very much black and white...
Jesus saves ... I hate my life. You can't ride the
fence and you are either moving forward or falling
backward. To hear the pain of hearing people's words,
it's almost like they're crying out to be heard. A
final plea before hopelessness drags them away, never
to be seen or heard from again... What's worse is
they're only lost. I've been lost too and once you've
gotten there, even if someone is trying to reach out,
you'll slap their hand away just hoping that the end
will come quickly. It honestly takes the hand of a
person who refuses to take no for an answer... How do
you get that lonely?? How do you hurt that bad; to
make you make the call, that having no life at all is
better than the life that you had?? and how do you feel
so empty that you wanna let it all go??...... How do
you get that lonely, and no body knows??... I'm aware
that I just quoted a country song, but I don't really
care. Those are some honest questions... but here's the
other questions... How do you watch them fall?? How do
you leave them alone?? How do you ignore those last
moments, when you know they're down to pick them up and
make their life worth living again?? Where is YOUR love??...
This is why people confuse me. If you are down, what do
you do?? Go look for a friend, family or something you
love that inspires you (such as music)... Personally, I
use both music and my ability to write... but that NEVER
fills the need to be loved by someone, to know someone's
proud of you or to know you're accepted by being held in
a persons arms... whether it's a simple hug or something
more... something to this degree is only missed if you're
not paying attention. Even though you can say things like
"They never said anything" I'm calling bullshit!! If you
looked at them in the eye or paid enough attention to them
(which requires being close), you can see the pain in
someone's features. The most simple one though is their eyes!!
PAY ATTENTION!!!!!!!!!!! It makes me angry that I've
met a lot of people and very few of the people I know
would reach out to someone else. You should make it a
personal goal every single day to show someone how you
feel or bring someone out of their shell... Let me tell
you a story from my experiences...
*I was 15 years old shortly after I moved to Montana.
*Up until the age of 14 I was homeschooled.
*I have 4 siblings.
*I learned very early how to clean a house and take care
of a baby. (My youngest sister)
*My parents worked and I barely saw them.
When I was 14 years old, I told my parents that my
birthday wish was to be in high school. I wanted to make
some real friends that didn't include my siblings or 1st
cousins. 6 weeks before the end of my freshman year, my
entire family up and moved to Montana from Washington.
I came from a place that was constantly raining and
cloudy... so I was depressed or really sad a lot and cried
myself to sleep. However, no one knew just how depressed
I was because they didn't look closely. On the outside I
smiled, I went to school and I did things with my sisters
that would make them happy. (Sleepovers in my room with
movies and food)... on the inside though, I hurt. If it
was looked at closely; I was quiet/shy, I listened to sad
songs and there was pain in my eyes... I felt I wasn't
understood, I rarely saw my parents, I cleaned the house,
watched my siblings... things like that. Now, I was
completely lost. When I was 7 years old my dad strayed
from being a Christian and my mom didn't. So that caused
a rift in my family as is but then he smashed all of my
Christian tapes and CD's that I played in my room... music
and stories/writing were my life. I felt hopeless and lost. Eventually (14 years old) my dad caught me reading my
bible in my room, took that away too and said that in his
house I was no longer aloud to read the bible and if
I did, I would get in a lot of trouble... He just
started getting mean and all the conversations he'd have
with someone became one sided. He never listened and that
hurt so I became angry with him on the inside, so much
so that I wished he would just drop dead (which was
unlike me)... What finally struck home was when he asked
me sit in his lap one day. In my anger, I refused and kept
refusing no matter how nice he was and no matter how
much I actually longed to sit in his lap and be his little
girl again before things changed. After a while he got
tired of me fighting him (the only reason I was fighting
him was out of anger
because he'd hurt me so many times) so he asked my mom to
come sit in his lap. I got jealous and that part of me who
longed to sit in his lap and be his little girl again took
over. I ran for his lap and he kicked/pushed me away with
his foot. My expression must have been one of shock because
he said that I deserved it. The queen in his house will
always take 1st place over any one of us and that I should
quit crying because it wasn't all about me, I wasn't as
pretty as I thought I was, no matter how many guys liked
me... they were just words, right?? Why did they hurt so
much?? Why is that the one thing that stuck with me for the
last 4 years of my life?? It has taken years of recovery from
that remark. He has paid for it over and over. I didn't
intentionally make him pay for his words and his mistake but
there was a callous over my heart and it's taken me years to
forgive him for it. I still don't even put stock in it when
he says I'm pretty... but getting back to the story. This
was just before my family and I moved to Montana. When we
got there, I still had no friends, it was the middle of
the summer, my family started falling apart and my cousin
that I was closest to died. He was 12 at the time and got
hit by a car in the middle of a bridge... So things started
spiraling downward but I still wasn't ready to kill myself
and call it quits just yet. I still had a sister who's words
every single day were "I love you Desi" with a kiss on the
lips. (She was 4 at the time)... When school started I met
a few people and I was in the same grade as my brother.
(he was held back a year).. I rarely saw my sister anymore,
my brother was in his own world, my parents kept arguing and
I was surrounded by people who knew my face but didn't know
a thing about me... One day in English class, I scratched
into my arm the words "I hate my life". Sound familiar??
Yeah well, one of the boys saw it and went to my brother.
We all sat at lunch together so it was kind of hard to
ignore. It was my brother, Jason (the guy who saw my arm),
this girl named Shayla and this guy named Michael... Jason
told my brother about my arm and my brother then made me
pull my sleeve up and show it to him. When he saw it, my
brother started crying and told me that he loved me very much.
He didn't want to lose me, which made me start crying when I
looked at the sincerity in his eyes... the guy who always
kept to himself and kept his walls held high told me that he
needed me and that he loved me. I sat down and started
sobbing. The bell rang and everyone left, even my brother.
Why did he leave if he needed me?? Because that guy named
Michael promised that he'd watch out for me. I sat on the
steps for the longest time and even missed class with him
because I wouldn't go and he wasn't going to leave me.
Michael told me that things were going to be fine, let me
explain what was going on and why I felt like killing myself
which made me feel like I was getting heard and then as a
friend just sat there and held me. For the first time I felt
like I didn't need to yell or scream and to be honest, after
that I felt the pain I inflicted on my arm in a bad way.
Before I welcomed it but now it just hurt and I hated the
pain... In the days that followed, Michael had connections
(as a junior in high school) and got some of his "girl"
friends to help him out. They didn't let me draw back
into my shell, they encouraged me, let me talk and made
me feel included, loved and needed... I am proud to say
that my brother is now my best friend, those girls are now
people I hang out with all the time. I absolutely love them
to pieces and my closest and best "girl" friend Shayla is
even going to be my maid of honor when I marry the love of
my life in a few weeks... can you guess who that is??...
The same guy who took the time to listen and hold me. :)
Michael is now my fiancé and the absolute love of my life.
:)... It started out a very bad, sad and really depressing
story... but people reached out to me, as I now do to
others and helped me out of my hole of hopelessness. :)...
Maybe you should do the same. They CHANGED my life story.
Maybe you can change someone else's...
The POINT in all of this?? 1) Listen/watch... maybe you can
help someone change an otherwise bleak outcome. 2) If you
are in that spot, DON'T GIVE UP, EVER!! Keep reaching, you
ARE strong enough. Just a little bit longer and maybe your
story will change for the better. :)
Keep it real,
QuietGirl P.S. That happened 4 years ago. I'm getting
married in a 6 months. :)
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