"Still" by Daughter
Hate is spitting out each other's mouths
But we're still sleeping like we're lovers
Sunday October 27, 2013 7:11 PM
My older sister Caroline, 19 years old (almost twenty), is in a psych ward an hour and a half away.
It took my everything not to cry when I first arrived at the hospital, before she was admitted to the psychiatric part. She was in emergency care or something. Apparently at 3:30 AM Ethan woke up to find Caroline bleeding all over the place.
Caroline told us she almost jumped out the window but her mind told her to do something else so she ended up in front of a mirror... cutting her arms and then her face. She had bandages wrapped around from her chin to her ears to above her forehead. All around.
Caroline has not been sleeping. She can't sleep. For two weeks now, she has gotten very very little sleep. Also, she drank the fruit punch at a party the other day and in college, that is a very bad idea. She's also on medication, mixed with alcohol or whatever was in the punch is.... so bad.
They diagnosed her Bipolar 2. I'm bipolar NOS, way milder than anything she "has".
How can they do that? How can they see one episode of... something or other, without knowing it was mania, and suddenly you're bipolar.
That's what they did to me. Asked me questions that sounded like me. Racing thoughts? During anxiety or anger, yes, but otherwise no. Mood changes? Um, obviously, how many times do i have to tell you guys I'm not a fucking monster, I'm a teenage girl.
Look, I kinda see where they're coming from. I did get really angry and really depressed but... it plagues me. This plastic diagnosis that I don't agree with.
It's not the label. It's not what others would think about me if they knew. I don't care about that.
I want to know why. This entire time, I've been trying to find peace. I've been searching tirelessly for answer. WHY am I like this. WHAT is wrong with me.
I didn't want a diagnosis unless they were going to tell me why they gave it to me.
These people... They give you medication and judge behavior they haven't seen and then they push you back out into the public where you get so scared, you panic... If you're like me, you try to take your life because it is all too much.
I hate this. It reminds me of six months ago. In the hospital. I can't wait till November... finally I'll be past the halfway point of "healthiness".
Maybe my sister IS bipolar. Maybe that's why she went running at 3 am all the time.
I'm so restless, now. I want to punch everything. Sweep my things of my shelves, let them crash to the ground, let them shatter to show them how much they don't mean a thing to me.
I have too many emotions. I want to smother them. I remember very slowly and carefully tying my shoes this morning. Putting on a sweater, trying not to think.
My dad has cancer. My sister lost like half a liter of blood and is now under psychiatric care. I am STILL recovering from years of depression. Or bipolar. Or anything that could tell me what is wrong with me....
I don't know if I can go to school tomorrow. I don't want to fall back into old habits of missing school at least once a week, but please, life, give me a break.
I can't process this. I haven't told anyone. I mentioned that something was wrong with my sister to Lily but I didn't mention the hospital.
I FUCKING HATE HOSPITALS AND THE PUS YELLOW COLOR THEIR WALLS ARE. THE LOW CEILINGS AND WASHED OUT LIGHTING. THE PALE BLUE, THE DARK RED OF BLOOD IN EVERY ROOM. I HATE HOSPITALS.
I wish I could escape my life right now. I won't tell anyone. I've already cried and fought enough today.
The only thing that will calm me is if I play with my swiss army knife, spin the blade and that stuff. I accidently cut myself doing that the other day but hey, that was just a bonus.
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