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2013-10-26 18:00:40 (UTC)

I Am Overthinking EVERYTHING

"Alligator" by Tegan & Sara

Relentless, yes it's true, my motormouth runs over you.

Saturday October 26, 2013 7:03 PM

Weight: 110.6 lbs

Urm... so some entries ago I was all like, "What's wrong with my periods, they're so short and practically non-existant!!!" (oh how I love the word non-existant.)

Well my periods are normal again. Now I wonder if I can say the same thing for my health.

Let me repeat this: I do not starve myself. I forget to eat at times. I eat two meals a day at most, and they're small, yeah. I try extra hard to be healthy. Yes, I do all this.

I'm not trying to lose weight. I'm trying to maintain it. Now... I'm not complaining... I feel awesome at this weight, but I don't know if it's normal. Who am I kidding, I don't fucking care!!! I'm six pounds from being just above underweight!!! I shouldn't be happy about that but any girl likes feeling weightless.

Not that I do. I feel the same as I did ten pounds ago. No better is my self-esteem. Only the number seems to change, bringing me synthetic happiness for just a little while.

I must say, I'm really anxious thinking about my next med check-up in December. Last visit he said it was a little odd that I lost so much weight in such a short amount of time, but that it was panning out or something... I was 118 then. It's been like a month.

SO. Off that wonderful note, I was kinda depressed all week. Sometimes I look in the mirror and know I'm ready... for anything. Especially a relationship. But then... I've already mentioned this, and this week I mentioned it to Pat (therapist), I get this feeling once I get close.

Well. I don't know if it would happen frequently, since there's been like one romantic encounter in my lifetime. But I mean, sometimes when I think about being close to someone... plus when I almost was... I turn into a child. I get disgusted with myself. I want to be alone. I don't want to think about being romantic because in my mind suddenly it's completely disgusting and I hate myself for wanting it.

I dunno what that's about. Although my "romantic encounter" should not be counted as romantic or anything close to the beginning of a relationship. It was more like an example of what could happen.

Yeah, so I'm paranoid that I was raped or molested as a child because I have rape dreams every once in a while that leave me with a similar feeling. I'm being dumb, I know, but that's kinda part of who I am.

As for being close to my friends, not so much. Pat says that it might be healthy for me though because I told her my reason for not letting much slip is so that I have different relationships with people... so I know if I'm closer to one person versus another.

It's also so when someone... if someone ever loves me, I have something to give them. I have a whole story and a pile of secrets I can slowly let drip out of me. Because maybe if I have that to give them as a gift, then that would show I'll try very hard to give it my all.

I don't know anyone who would ACTUALLY want to date an ever so slightly fucked up girl like me, though. I mean... blob of depression.... psychiatric hospital.... complicated status as a cutter....attempted suicide angry child.... socially awkward... scars... ugliness.... quick mood changes..... pills.... being cold all the time... not knowing where I'm going....

In TV shows and stuff, the girl or guy is all complicated and sad to the core (like me) and yet someone still pries them open and holds them tight.

That's not real life. No one wants something so complicated. Maybe that worked in fucking Twilight, which is like farther from reality than Sesame Street, but here, people want someone bubbly and just generally fine.

I know that because now Lily is fine, she has someone who loves her. Aaron is fine, she has someone who loves her. Erica is fine and she now has a new relationship.

They all used to feel some kind of burning anger or sadness but now I seem to be all that's left.

A discarded piece of... bloody bath tissue. Ew.

Well!!! You'd never be able to tell that I'm in a pretty good mood. I'm freezing and I'm randomly angry still, but the best part is that I no longer have to be mean to myself.

I self-deprecate all the time, but I like hanging with myself. I just worry that no one else enjoys that the way I do.

I'm a go eat whatever tater tot thing my dad (hoW does HE have cANcer?!) made and watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

It's so sad that my parents are gone all night pretty much, I'm dressed, and I have no one to call to come over and do dumb shit. The life of a loner, man. So... lonely.