2013-09-30 17:51:47 (UTC)


What did I mean by that?
"Maybe i wanted to be treated better."
Is that really what I want?
Or was I just trying to get fed up with myself?
Everyone wants to be treated better. So why was i so mad?

After 4 years, he apologized. Why did I expect anything more? He shouldn't have liked me and I shouldn't have liked him, it should've been a simple hi and bye process. Even after we talked I felt so happy, when I played the piano for him, when I showed him the 9s trick on his fingers, not to mention his story about the finger. But he wanted to know about pyro and that made me so angry.

Was I jealous or was I selfish? I could've just given him the fucking name.
"I deserved to be treated better."
No, he was calm and collective. He was willing to listen. And I just blew up at him, like I did 4 years ago. I would tell his secrets then, but fuck not now or ever again. After 4 years it took a little less then a week to fuck it up. After 4 years of planning how to work it out, it didn't. My eyes get so hot. I always fuck everything up. Why did I tell him that when he was treating me with his best?
He is better, who was I kidding?
Was I trying to be meaningful? He was the only guy who talked to me with patience, even when he was sick. He was kind. And I was just a dick. He wanted to get to know me, but I rushed things. He wanted to be mature about everything, and literally the 4 years I planned to show him how much I changed, that was all bullshit.
When he talked to me everything was different. It felt different. I could be myself.
And I lost the one person I could be myself to and he'd be okay with it. Just because I liked him again. Ughhhh. How can I be so fucking stupid. FOUR FUCKING YEARS of thinking and it doesn't plan to go out the way you want it to.... :(