Tartarus (the hellest part of hell)
"So Cold" by Breaking Benjamin
Wise men wonder while
strong men die
Show me how it ends, it's alright
Show me how defenseless you really are
Satisfied and empty inside
[TARTARUS - literally the worst part of hell. It's greek mythology. Bad things live in tartarus. Only the worst go there after death.]
Saturday October 19, 2013 7:25 PM
Today has been one of the worst days as of late. For one thing, I weighed almost 117 lbs. Normally that wouldn't bother me so bad but last night I found out my dad has cancer and I still don't know if this should worry me or not. He said he could get surgery for it, right? Still. Cancer.
I've spent my day in my room, numbing myself by playing Robot Unicorn Attack 2 and listening to music while cleaning my room. I got all dressed up to go out and now I am sitting here, knowing fully well that I will not leave my house tonight.
Most times this happens, I get dressed all sad, knowing it's for nothing. This time it was worse because I actually thought I had plans. Today was supposed to be my friend Micah's birthday party thing. I even asked her last night if her party was today. She said yes and then I asked her what time she'd pick me up (she invited me several times, if that makes sense) and got no answer. I texted her again hours ago.
I thought maybe her phone was taken away. Maybe the party was cancelled. I went on facebook and she had posts from her phone. Just a half hour ago I found pictures of Micah and some of her friends at the mall after seeing a movie, which was the party.
She could've at least been decent and told me that I couldn't come or something rather than leave me hanging all day.
Micah isn't like that. I don't understand. Is it because I told her yesterday I might not be able to go? Because Caroline is visiting?
I've just been angry all day. And sad. Really sad. Not even self-loathing sad. Alone kind of sad. I want to talk to my friends.
At the same time, I feel like I'm giving up on that. Giving up on picking up the phone. I'm not telling anyone that my dad has cancer.
I don't care. This happened before. I thought a little about death today, but it was just toying with a fantasy after a dreamless night. One without nightmares.
My mom came into my room earlier and started yelling at me because I have such a bad attitude today and then she threatened to take away my computer. Now, usually, I'd have a fit about that but today I just... shut down. Kinda. I just stopped talking. I gave up hope. I gave up I gave up I give up.
Everyday, it's seventy degrees out (which is NOT right for this time of year in Upstate New York) but winter has come early for me. My bones are cold. Uselessly wrapped in muscles that try to capture nonexistant heat that should eminate from me.
Wise men wonder while strong men die. I wish I was strong.