Vanilla

Paranoid Schitzophrenia

he was a paranoid schitzophrenic. And I probably have PTSD. Because everytime I am reminded of my past I fall and its hard to get up. I dont know how to get up. I thought I blocked the past, why isit coming up like this. I dont want to feel. I dont want to care I dont want to hear or see. I just want to avoid everything to do with who I am. I hate who I am, I hate this skin im in. I genuinely hate the fact that Im alive right now. ..
...it explains most things...why wouldnt they jst tell me. Whya re they telling me this now? Why did I get involved. As much as I want to help my mother I cannt help her, there is a limit, because it puts a strain on me mentally and I cant handle living when it does that. I cant even concentrate at work, I just feel sick and all I want to do is sleep and run at the same time.

ARGHHH i CANT even channel my anger into anything. Who the fuk do I get angry at? circumstance? Destiny? Fate??!!!! How do people deal with the hand they are given? How do I get through this?