LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2013-10-13 16:21:41 (UTC)

I'm doomed?

"Careful" by Paramore

[I forgot how much I love Paramore]

I settle down
A twisted up frown
Disguised as a smile, well
You would've never known
...
You can't tell me to heal
And it hurts remembering
How it felt to shut down

You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer

Sunday October 13, 2013 5:27 PM

Either I hate myself or I have no idea who I am anymore. Can I have both? I hung out with Sam today. It was strange.

We skateboarded in the cemetery but her nine year old brother had to come along. Gonna call him Justin. Why didn't I change Sam's name? Sigh. Too late, anyhow.

Anyway, Justin... I think something is wrong with him. He's very childish, more childish than you should be at nine years old. Or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I was like that.

When he got really annoying... Sam just exploded. Probably more than ten times. I wasn't horrified, because I think I know why she gets so angry. She grew up physically and emotionally abused. When she shouted, she sounded just like her mom. It was a bit scary.

She literally yelled something like this:

"YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING LISTEN TO ME AND FUCKING SIT DOWN OVER THERE AND SHUT THE FUCK UP."

This was what it sounded like each time she blew up. In front of old people, too......

I felt bad. I'm worried he's gonna grow up and become super angry and end up in jail.

I wish I could babysit him. For some reason, I was kinda good with him. Like I quietly made him ask and say please when he wanted something. THEN WHY DID I SUCK AT BABYSITTING A FOUR YEAR OLD ONLY A FEW HOURS BEFORE I WAS WITH SAM AND JUSTIN?!?!?!?

Ugh. Fuck. I got so anxious when I was babysitting at church. This kid who looked about 17 was just layin' on the couch, looking adorable. I swear to god he looked almost EXACTLY like Logan Lerman, AKA Charlie from Perks of Being a Wallflower.

He had dimples when he smiled. So I got really anxious. Yeah.

I felt like my stomach was burning and I was trembling but I think that was because I drank too much caffeine.

I don't even want to talk about a random burst of anger I had today, which ended up hurting Sam a teensy bit.

I don't think these are "mood swings". I think I'm just more stressed than usual and all this anger is inside of me and I don't say much. At the same time... I feel like I've told everyone. I feel like a fake.

Goddamnit. I almost liked it better when I was farther away from my friends like two weeks ago, but other than that, I was happy with myself.

I'm glad I'm less far away from Lily, though. We were barely talking. I think since I was barely talking to anyone, it kinda felt like I was dying a bit inside every day.

I still feel so un-loveable. I want something romantic to happen, but when anything comes close to that, I suddenly just shut down inside. Seriously. Anything I wanted before, I suddenly don't. I just want to be alone forever.

Maybe I'm just doomed. Whatever. We'll see.


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