LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2013-10-12 22:13:32 (UTC)

Pft, problems? What problems?


"Hey You" by Pink Floyd

Saturday October 12, 2013 11:15 PM

Weight: 116.2 lbs (my weight now fluctuates from like 113 to 116, or 117 if I pig out for several days straight)


I've been feeling more angry lately. It's harder to control. Harder to take a step back and say, "Don't do that."

Instead, I do stupid things. I pick fights. I scream because I feel like no one can even hear me.

I hate myself.

Why do I worry about being angry? Aren't intense feelings normal for teenage girls?

I really hate my diagnosis of bipolar. I kind of wanted it before. When they asked me the questions, they made everything sound less severe than they meant. Like racing thoughts. I thought they meant the kind of half-finished, quick thoughts that come to me during anxiety. The lows and the highs. Weird stuff happened. I'd be really sad, and the next day, pretty unpredictably, it'd be a perfectly optimistic sunny day. Then the day after, BAM, it was gone.

I was in the dark again. All the shiny things I thought to myself were crumpled up and thrown away because it felt like feel-good bullshit.

So yeah. When they asked me all these questions, I thought it applied to me. But what they really meant was hypomania and depressive episodes. That's not me.

I guess that's why they added the NOS, ("not otherwise specified") but still. I really don't think any of my ups and downs went past normal feelings.

The only vaguely weird thing was my anger. I never seemed to be hypomanic, just angry. Very angry. Punch anything in sight angry.

That's why I was raised to 400 milligrams, but then I started hearing voices so they brought it back down and then I was fine again (I've only been on 300 for about a month) and now I'm getting more angry.

Or maybe I'm not. Maybe I'm always this angry and I just don't notice.

My pet peeves eat away at me. I hate when people act like they know what they're talking about when they don't even have minds of their own. They repeat the political stuff their parents say without actually having a reason to believe it's true.

They haven't believed in Santa for years (or in my case, ever) yet they continue to take their parents words as an equivalent to the word of God. Wait. Why did I capitalize that? I'm not religious. Sigh. I don't get this whole lower-case, upper-case God/god thing. WHICH ONE IS SUPPOSED TO BE USED. DO YOU HAVE TO CAPITALIZE IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE????

Anyhow. WHY DOESN'T ANYONE QUESTION ANYTHING? I question everything! I currently am not republican or democrat because I still don't know why republicans believe what they believe and without that information, I can't make a decision.

Fuck. I hate myself. I'm fat. Fuck.

Luckily, I don;t have to be alone this long weekend... Babysitting tomorrow, then plans with Sam, and then Monday with Leah and Madison... Thank God.

Sometimes I need to be alone. But when I get like this, I think it's best I be with people.


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