Vanilla

Fear

I have this sickening fear that my stability is about to be ripped from beneath my feet. Im terrified about Monday what if she loses? What if I lose this job. Im just so scared I will get fired or that im not good enough or that Im stupid. And I hate these pointless fears, how can I fear something that hasnt happened? But if I lose this I will lose everything in one go. I keep acting stupid/clumsy and its annoying me stop. It just comes naturally and lets be real everyone hates anyone whos vulnerable Ive got to act crafty, got to keep up a strong act. I wish I wasnt so weak. I wish I had some guidance right now, someone to tell me its going to be okay that its not all on me. I know I say this alot that I dont know for how long I can keep doing this on my own- Im either a Loser or a Winner. But seriously how long can I keep going with literally nobody to hold me down, no one to advice me, direct me. I know Im not a child anymore and I should be able to stand on my own two feet but ive never had that- a father figure or guidance or care... anything. Speaking of which I havnt eaten properly in 3 days because of my worrying...Im kind of self punishing myself... I cant lose. Even if it kills me. Ok No matter what happens I have to stay strong I cant break. Just think of Will Smith in Pursuit of Hapiness.He did it...he had a skill..whats my skill? Nothing. Im just a 23 year old who feels bloody 15. I just want to go home and stay in bed.

My first day here I remember feeling so overwhelmed when Tony was telling me that I had to do this and that and all I could think was what if I cant do this and the heat just ran up to my face and my head started spinning and I thought I would blackout...I think Im already getting used to being here that I dont want to go now. I dont feel how I felt a month ago when I thought I could just up and leave because in reality I need this and if Tony tells me Im not good enough Im going to end up beleiving it. No one has had any faith in my ever and I think this will be my breaking point. Everything everyone has beleived me to be will end up being true. Im over thinking this...

...But if I do make it...that will be so amazing..I will probably have a book published in my name lol.

Internet connetion went...its good that it did because I snapped right out of it.

Nothing spendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared beleive that something inside of them was superior to circumstance.- NTS Just remember that no matter what happens.
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