LustingforNightmares

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Ezoic
2013-10-09 17:32:27 (UTC)

Beard Stroking

"Caring Is Creepy" by The Shins


Current Favorite Bands (not in order)


Mayday Parade

The Beatles

The Shins

Three Days Grace

Pierce The Veil

Wednesday October 9, 2013 6:35 PM


So I received the notebook from Lily yesterday after getting home from the ROY G BIV (gay-straight alliance) club meeting. I wrote in it briefly. The last time she wrote in it was almost two months ago.

I couldn't think of much of anything to write. I wanted to, but I think I was right; it's hard deciding to tell people things.

I want, for ONCE, to be... I don't know. I guess I want someone to actually work to get to know me. I don't wanna just spill my guts out. I want to be sure that they even want to know. I'm tired of feeling hurt.

I'd rather cut myself all over and stay silent than let out some of my feelings only to feel unloved. It hurts less. Physical pain is nothing compared to what a mind can do.

SO TODAY I STROKE MY UNWASHED, NON-EXISTENT BEARD. Hopefully ideas will fall out along with dirt clots.

Oh! I didn't go to school today. Not like last year (someone should seriously start counting how many times I refer to my depression-life in a week) when I was so tired, everyday I woke up like "fuck school."

Not gonna lie, when I woke, it was reminiscent of those days. Faster than I could even shut my eyes for "five more minutes" of sleep, I was thinking about how badly I did not want to go to school today. I wasn't sick, but I felt so dead. I needed a break.

Most mornings, I wake up tired for the first five minutes and then I'm fine. Nawt today. Probs because I usually come home right after school and spend the day alone, and this week I joined clubs. Totally worth it, though. I'd rather be out doing things (for once) than getting depressed.

So speaking of beard-stroking... I think maybe I should go to youtube and watch wheezy waiter...

I feel so evil right now. I've been thinking about murder or doing crazy, impulsive things. It goes back to what I said about multiple realities. I'm not crazy, I don't actually think they're real, sometimes my mind just goes on a trip beginning with "what if?" and ending with screams.

ENDED: 7:36 PM because I did some homework in between.

PS: A couple weeks ago, I think I wrote an entry where I went running and some guy was all like "MY NAMES ROBERT." Well, a couple weekends ago when i hung out with Sam and we ran into him again. HE'S SO ATTRACTIVE. HE'S GOT DIMPLES.


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