The Real Me
2013-10-09 10:26:16 (UTC)

Whats worse?

I dont know what worse meeting V after a year or so or sitting here beginning a crush on my CEO- which right now I can easily avoid with the necessary steps...I also think I have acute bhroncitis... =( But I figured going to V is easier...I've already fallen for him once, and right now this is extenuating circumstances. If it takes my mind off the ceo thats fine by me.

Im not going to let anything happen between me and V...yes I fell for him a few years ago and we connected pretty well but he also broke my heart in a pretty incredible way. I do however want to see this big shot lawyer now. Back then he always thought I was too young for him, too immature, and I funnily kept trying to prove im not a girl but in return it only proved how immature I really was by trying to act older. I dont want him anymore but I always said that I wouldnt be satisfied till he fell for me again and this time round I let him go. There is a time and place for everything. It really helps that I am alot more heartless now with no intention of hooking up or getting with anyone not in the emotional sense anyway.

I do need a distraction and V will be a slight one. Its been a year and a bit now since I've well felt anything for anyone more than the physical sense, I dont want myself to ever give in to that vulnerability again, I prefer it this way.

Me and V were meant to be epic- everything I wished that we could be.I just beleived whole heartedly that we were meant to be that we would find a way and end up together no matter what and I dont want to beleive that now. And M was meant to be the guy who I could settle with after V broke that illusion and my heart. Turns out both were a fake delluded idea I had in my head...still cant help remenising a little. I wander what I will see now when I see him. I remember listening to Happy ending by Avril lavigne when he broke my heart. That line always stood out "Held up so high on such a breakable thread".

...I think he was the first guy i ever properly saw a future with that my mother would be okay with. He had financial security- he was mature for me anyway and could kind of hold me from falling, its like he put all the pieces together of some of the things that were missing and hes sense of protectiveness towards me...I still remember we nearly crashed once and his first reaction was to hold his arm out to stop me from getting hurt/danger before protecting himself I think it was that....that showed me how much he cared at that time. But boi after the way he hurt me/emabrassed me I have tooooo much pride to be with him when he sees fit. Maybe in 10 years time. Right now I have a feeling he will come to me and this is my time to reject him.

Actually its easier to crush on CEO I take it back....nausea from memories.