Faith

Recovery
2013-10-07 08:15:30 (UTC)

Relapse

I probably got back into this relationship too soon. I don't feel good about things...He's Latin and admits that he is "hard" on women and I am so extremely over emotional to the point of being annoying. I am the type that calls 20 times when he doesn't pick up once because I am upset and -pit exacerbates the situation. I haven't picked up the self control part of my emotions yet. He claimed this was my bi-polar and almost made fun of me at dinner tonight. I asked him then, "why are you with me?" You are not an emotional guy...you show no emotion with the exception of when you want sex...so why? He said he took a leap of faith. I know he loves me and my bi-polar is extremely difficult to deal with but I did relapse. I admit, I wanted to take the whole bottle of Xanax and drink for the first time in 2.5 years a bottle of wine and just end it all. The helplessness never goes away. It is as if I crave being a victim and I know I don't. I just happened in a split second. Saturday, I was getting my hair done and then all of these negative texts came in from my best friend who just attacked me with double edged daggers. I was so mad...I did absolutely nothing wrong, and she just unleashed all of her wrath on me because she is afraid she is going to get caught in a lie. I had to block her calls. I came home mad and then it happened to me. I let him have it and he left. I panicked...my man who I am deeply in love with but at the same time who I doubt sometimes because he comes across as a "player"...never helps with the rent, never helps with the bills....but he puts his heart and soul into out business. I am angry that he can't do it all, and I became so unreasonable. To settle myself down, I took a couple of Xanax and slept it off.

The next morning I woke up and started calling him at the business he runs me (knowing that Sundays are SLOW) thinking that he would want to talk. He blocked my number. It sent me into total despair! Later that day when I stopped by and was able to talk to him, he had it with me and my emotions and wanted out of the relationship. I begged him to take me back. Why? Why do I always beg him to take me back? I am a glutton for punishment. I am a beautiful woman and could get any man I wanted but my self esteem is so low. It has been for 42 years. This man has put up with my emotions for too long and I'm too afraid to be alone.




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