"I Want To Hold Your Hand" by The Beatles
Sunday October 6, 2013 6:49 PM
I finally got the nerve to go through a memory I hold away from me. If I had the power, it'd be gone.
I realized that it was my fault he kissed me. Partly, at least. We were to close, physically. Really, really close. For the entire evening. He was whispering in my ear and I was okay with it. He was telling me really personal things. I think he said my eyes were pretty.
I didn't pull away. I should've. I kept my eyes shut, I was afraid. I didn't know how I felt about him yet. I mean I wanted him to kiss me before, and then I didn't. I don't understand my own thinking.
Fuck. I ruined everything.
What I don't understand is why the hell he kissed me if he liked someone else? Or maybe he only said that out of hurt knowing she'd tell me later. Or maybe not.
Maybe I was just there.
Ahhhh. The floaty feeling is gone and now my brain is being mean to me. GO AWAY, MEMORIES. GO AWAY, GUILT. I don't deserve this! Usually I'd say I really do deserve the pain, but I've gone through a lot and I'm trying to be nice to myself.
I'm trying to be better. I've been doing good. Am I being punished for cutting? No, that doesn't make sense. It only fuels more self-harming.
Maybe I should do that thing I used to do. Hold a lighter under a coin until the metal was really hot, slap it onto my wrist. Or maybe I could touch a hot straightener.
SEE. Oh my god I need to stop thinking about this... everything.
I'm going to be okay.
I don't want to die.
I'll be fine.
Boy, do those words sound empty.
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