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I Can Fly
"Blackbird" by The Beatles
Take these broken wings
And learn to fly
Sunday October 6, 2013 3:06 PM
I know I'm trembling because as I sit at my desk, my knee is moving up and down without me telling it to.
I don't know if my anxiety is caused by the shaking or I'm shaking due to anxiety. The doctor says I now have a permanent slight tremor. It's pretty bad today. It started at Hannaford while I cashing my Nicaraguan chicken (no piggies from me) bank's coins, finally they are released after two years. Possibly three.
I feel horrible. Not depressed, actually I feel pretty good emotion wise because Lily found the notebook we shared and is giving it to me tomorrow and that's awesome.
I worry, though. What if I widen the canyon between us by not writing about what I'm actually thinking in the notebook? Because that's what my heart wants to do. Keep it inside so I stay invincible and invisible.
I forgot I cut myself last night. When I went to the bathroom, I saw and almost cried. Can't believe I caved. Can't believe I liked it. I want to say I regret it, but I really don't. The pain is so sweet.
Last night I cried. I was talking to my mom about missing soccer and she said that my sister stuck with it and was strong even though she was bullied on the team. I burst out sobbing because I was weak. She felt really bad and so did I because it seems I did not know I missed soccer so much.
I'm trying to fill up my time with hobbies. I'm joining the gay-straight alliance club and yearbook, plus I'm restarting ukulele.
I feel like I did a couple months ago. Like I'm a balloon tied to a bench with weak string and I could float away any second. My hands shake and flutter like little wings of a hummingbird. Music comes from my lips and for a second I wish I could fly.
I'm not okay today. Or this weekend really. Jesus.
I want to say, "I'm never ever skipping my pills again," but I know at some point I will. I hate them. Not the Wellbutrin so much but the Seroquel. I'm on 300 now (they keep sending us the 400 mg ones and my parents have to cut it).
I don't think the lack of medication is making me feel so weird. I've done it before and been fine.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
I still feel like I'm suffocating.
Maybe my body knows something I don't.
My brain doesn't hurt but I can't sit still.
Oh my god, I can feel myself kind of floating. I took my pills last night. What the furk. It kinda feels cool though. Woahhhh.
"Camisado" by Panic! at the Disco
Can't take the kid from the fight
Take the fight from the kid