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2013-10-05 20:05:10 (UTC)


"Helena" by My Chemical Romance

Saturday 9:05 PM October 5, 2013

I used to be a blood queen. Not the greatest. I usually cut myself with a razor. Those don't go so deep, but I have no other way. I used to have a razor blade all by itself. It was a beautiful thing to have. But they took it away.

I learned from this site and I really don't want to pass it on. I just wanna say, I ended up in a real hospital and a tell-us-about-your-feelings hospital. Don't cut. Don't. I guess I can't really stop you, but I hate knowing I could've been part of the cause. Some kind of sick teacher.

Not so long ago, probably only last week, I thought about how weird life was going to be in a year. I wondered if I'd even think about cutting then. I'd be off my medications, and if not, I'd be in the process of being taken off my medication. Maybe by then I'd be on like 50 milligrams.

They bounced up the milligrams pretty quickly. 50 each day until I was "stabilized". Then the outside doctor pushed me up another 100 because of some random anger.

I think that in a year, no matter what I'm like I'll still be thinking about my own blood and spilling it because I am not immune like I thought I was. I'm not addicted, but I think about it every day. Casually and sometimes seriously, but I never do it. I figure

1) I'll get caught. So much for the trust I've built. The life I have come to kinda love down the drain.

2) Scars, man. Not pretty.

3) Got nothing to do it with other than plain old shaving razors.

I'm right about one thing. Things go down the drain. I mean this literally. I wonder what water would look like saturated in blood. Or super-saturated. At what point does bloody water turn into watery blood?

When does translucent pink water become nearly opaque, the red that smiles back at us from verizon billboards and fresh wounds?

I over estimated myself.

I thought just a couple and I'd be done.


But god, it felt like my nerve endings were crackling and sparking, I was being electrified a little bit, and it hurt. Hurt like heaven.

I think I electrified the life into a memory I tried to bury.

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