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2013-10-04 20:14:46 (UTC)

Memories Rush To Shore

"Lost In You" by Three Days Grace <<<<<<THIS ONE <3

Somehow I found a way to get lost in you
Let me inside
Let me get close to you
Change your mind
I'll get lost if you want me to

Friday October 4, 2013 9:15 PM

[I realized I stopped using my code names for everyone. I'm gonna go back and edit all my entries with their actual names and start using the codes again.]

Funny how feelings change. So quickly, or painfully slow. Without you noticing or with you watching every dragged out second. Both can hurt.

I just skateboarded (when I say "skateboarded" I really mean "stayed on the board for a few seconds and then fell.") from a friend of the family's house. I was so happy when I got home because I'd actually skateboarded. I was so afraid to make mistakes in front of the whole wide world. I was comforted by my iPod, the gentle rain, and darkness of the night. I tried telling myself no one could see me, no one cared, but it seems that I only think I don't matter when I'm actually alone.

I came up here to write about... who knows what. Thoughts were lost on my way up the stairs. They're probably stuck in the cobwebs. When I opened my computer, my main pages were there, waiting to be selected. I saw Lily's tumblr and I clicked it.

The happiness evaporated so quickly, I should've seen steam rise from my brain as it floated to the clouds. I read all these picture posts saying sad things like "I'll never be good enough" and "If I can't be beautiful, let me be invisible." The ones that hit me hard were "Count every calorie" and something about how weight can ruin someone's whole life or something. Not to mention in her description, I saw "Been Clean [from cutting]: 0 days"

Maybe she forgot to update. How did she have time to update her picture, but not that?

The posts immediately made me want to do several things at once: cut myself until I bled out, never eat again, weigh myself obsessively until the gap between my thighs was several inches wide, and cry myself to sleep. I wanted to die inside just so she'd talk to me.

The same way every time I post an entry, I half hope someone is reading and someone is caring, sometimes hoping that person is one of my friends. If they actually were, I'd probably feel violated and upset on the outside, not because my privacy was invaded but because they knew secret things about me and I didn't have the same privilege.

At my last appointment with Pat, she told me it was unhealthy to keep all my feelings shielded from everyone. She said I don't get personal enough with people, like I hide my feelings about politics and pretty much everything else that goes deeper than skin.

I'm just so hurt, though. I tried sharing. I tried loving. I tried being open so they'd be open to me, but it's like it wasn't enough. Like I wasn't wanted... So I just stopped and now it's too hard. I can't imagine how difficult it'd be for someone who'd kept their lips zipped for years.

I felt so unwanted whenever I confessed a secret, because I got no feedback from Lily. It probably wasn't her fault or anything, but it was still painful. At least Aaron would tell me things sometimes. The most I got from Lily was from the notebook we shared, but as soon as I started expressing worry, she stopped writing and it was forgotten.

I'd say that was a stab at my heart, but surprisingly, that didn't hurt me that much, although I really, really miss it.

I know she had a boyfriend but sometimes I wish she'd talk to me. Does she think I have to be depressed to understand her? I DO UNDERSTAND. I DID NOT FORGET. I think about it every day. I think about how much pain I caused people.

I could ramble for weeks about everything that happened to me that month but I don't. Why don't I? Because it hurts so much that I can't stand reliving the memories. Back then, I WISHED I was dead inside again. I could feel that I was much too alive, immortal even. It hurt so bad.

But that's besides the point (the slightly OCD part of me is muttering, "this sentence is a fragment, this sentence is a fragment, ENGLISH TEACHERS FROWN UPON YOU!!!").

Lily, if you ever read this, which I kinda hope you don't, don't you know I'm here? If you don't want to talk to me, it'd feel a lot better if you just TOLD me that. I don't like this slowly severed friendship thing. Rip off the fucking band aid, I'm a big girl.

Let me inside. It's raining.

You have a leaky roof. I have an umbrella.

I can't fix it, but I can help you deal with it.

Remember when we used to meet up at night?
Remember when we had more to talk about than just everyday school shit and Doctor Who?

Ugh. I have to keep reminding myself she has a boyfriend, and she's probably telling him everything. I know I lost my best friend several years ago, but it feels like it's only just hit me. Like I didn't know she was gone the whole time.

(MINUTES LATER: Just realized there's a whole entry about my suicide attempt. I guess I did talk about it... Oh, well. It's my diary.)

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