2013-09-26 23:43:14 (UTC)

Fool Me Once

You know, after a while, you would think,
wow Elijah. It's been 4 years. Surely you have learned your lesson.

But in fact, you haven't. You think you have, but you didn't. Remember the entry Ghastgrey? Your little story always guiltily tripping you up when it can, even though you deleted it quite some time ago, at least 4 years ago to be precise. You were overdramatic. You "loved" him. You lied to yourself.

Then after a while, he destroyed you. You went those four years thinking it was a mistake to even talk to him in the first place, and that he fucked with your feelings and just to find out it was his friend, that's so humiliating. After four years of feeling guilty...

I was wrong
Fool me once.
Shame on you.

It happened all so suddenly.
I was adding Cesar's for my new fb account,
and didn't even see his name on the list.
Then I get a notification, saying "Cesar Coronado" accepted my friend request. I was like who is he? And I as checked the picture, my heart came to a slow stop.

Four years. It was him. The stuff I could never delete out of my head, there. He accepted my friend request. Did he know it was me? Did he remember? The thoughts rushed through my head in a scary and odd manner. Why did he accept if he knew? Did he know the add was a mistake? Nothing made sense, especially the fact that he considered me a friend after these four years.

I felt bad for four years. FOUR YEARS thinking I should NEVER ever let someone fool me like that again. But the story isn't always what you expect.

I decided to let it go. Surely he would too, and we could just be friends without talking. But he poked me, as if he needed to talk, and that was all I needed to send him my apology, for what happened years and years ago.

"Elijah. I'm sorry."

the words shook me. what is there to be sorry about? I was the one who blew up and got all mad because you didn't love me.

"I didn't know how I was feeling and I was too much of a coward to talk to you"

I couldn't believe what I was reading. My face turned red hot. It didn't make sense. But wasn't it his friend who was doing all the talking?

"I told her to cover for me. Because the way you blew up at me I just couldn't disappear fast enough."

My eyes began to tear up. This is how I made him feel before our four year span started. I thought he hated me. I thought he wished I would move away or something or be really mad at his friend. But all this time, he cared and still did. My eyes grew hotter.

"I only said she did it because i panicked and I told her about it." And she took the blame for you too when I got mad at her.
I was unbelievably stupid. How didn't I see this? I pushed and pushed him to his limit until he couldn't take it.

We're talking again as if everything is fine, but I'm beginning to see why I liked him in the first place. I'm gonna end up liking him again, and its going to start right from square 1...a recipe for disaster. I'm so scared.

Fool me twice.
Shame on me.