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2013-09-24 21:53:40 (UTC)

Beyond Repair

September 24, 2013 Tuesday 10:53 PM

[This whole entry got away from me. I'll probably delete it later. Memories.]

I was nice to myself today. I ate a 120 calorie breakfast, and then for dinner I didn't count my calories and I ate like 1000 calories worth of chocolate. Hopefully tomorrow I regain control.

I feel pretty okay. I'm cold as always, but that makes me feel safe. Sometimes, I almost feel pretty.

I seem to have forgotten what depression felt like, or maybe I just don't want to remember. I think the latter. I run into a wall when I think, "What's it like to be depressed?"

I must've built it this afternoon. It gets knocked down way too often. I wish I could build a wall around my memories. I have them locked up but not very securely. I'm still recovering from when they all escaped on April... was it the twelfth? That I tried to take my life?

I don't want to remember. I don't want to think of the song that played on repeat and the pills spilled across my carpet, but it seems I am anyway...

"Never Too Late" sang Three Days Grace but I swallowed 25 of the 300 mg Seroquels anyway. It gets worse, though.

Oh, god... Laney's dad, his silhouette. He was on duty. He said, "Oh jesus christ" like I'm the most disappointing thing he's ever seen, and I cried harder. I felt like a idiot. I had a choice. I could've let myself die, or I could've let myself be saved. But I was such a coward. I was scared, and so I tried to kill myself. I panicked.

Oh, god. I remember the ambulance ride. He sat next to me and we talked and I asked him to PLEASE not tell Laney. He said he wouldn't. (I still can't look at him for more than three seconds).

The hospital emergency room... "Drink this, honey, unless you want your stomach pumped."

The coal. Like in the videos they show you in health class, don't overdose on alcohol kids or you'll have to drink coal. I lost consciousness after I retched. Woke up a day or two later with angels at my bed. The light was so bright behind their heads and I knew them, but I forgot the names. My dad... Other people. The world in tatters.

The shame burning. No one was supposed to know.

I don't know why I'm writing about this, it's making me cry. I don't want to feel sorry for myself but I always keep it locked up. I guess sometimes i just... Have to. Let it out a little.

I hated the hospital.

I'm thankful to be home. I can't breathe.

SO this is why it never comes out. I never think about it much because I remember my mom screaming and crying.

I'm okay.... I'm okay. It's been six months, I'm going to school like normal, I feel fine, I don't cry very often any more, I don't tell people about my inside thoughts and about how fat I am, I am okay.

I may be beyond repair, but that doesn't mean I can't survive. Wrapped in ice I am protected. There is a secret soul in me that no one can touch. I am a mixture of beautiful worlds. If you are warm, if you melt me... You have the means to destroy me.

But I promise.

I promise I won't ever try to disappear again.

Not just for you. For me.

I deserve to be happy with who I am.

So I have an ice cage around me, but part of me longs to break the bars and touch someone, let their heat transfer to me. I want to be vulnerable.

But I have a feeling

I am going to be strong

For much too long.

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