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2013-09-23 20:26:45 (UTC)

Getting Nowhere

September 23, 2013 Monday 9:27 PM

Weight:118.2 lbs

What. The. Fuck.

I'm going hardcore on this mother fucker.

My binge last night is catching up with me but I cannot be this weight. My weight this afternoon was 115.4!!!!!

I didn't eat anything all day until I hate a nature valley bar (190) and then since I had over 1000 calories left for the day, I let myself eat without counting all the calories... I think my dinner was around 500.

But tomorrow, I won't eat anything all day again. I didn't even get hungry today, it was amazing!!! It was easy! I had energy, I fucking wanted to run everywhere, I was so happy!!!

I MUST lose weight before Friday. Not for homecoming like normal girls, but because I'm going to Sam's on Friday and we're gonna have the munchies after the shit we do so I need some room. I need to be allowed to gain a few pounds.

I'm so excited!!! I can't wait to hang out with Sam and Kiana! I can talk to them, and laugh with them, and they like my house!!! I really do miss Lily. It hurts less, now, though. Before, I was basically writhing on the floor missing her even though I knew she was so fucking close.

I just can't reach her, and she can't reach me. I'm in my ice casing. I'm the month December, safe and high up in the sky with the frost. I have a grin bigger than my face.

I'm definitely smaller. I absolutely love it. No one can hurt me, because I know that I will be okay. I feel so invincible, even though in school I have no control and I feel like my mind is being read.

I have people now, who like seeing me and who enjoy my presence. Sam and Kiana don't seem like the hand holding types but I can live without that. Thinking about Lily again... but it's not just her, it's Aaron and Gillian and Laney, I miss the world I had before. I know I'm out of it.

Gotta go exercise. Can't have me gaining weight!!!

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