Why Can't I See It?
So just now I took out my tightest pair of pants that I got in seventh grade, they're a size four, so not tiny, back then they fit me perfectly if not a bit snugly. I also got out my tightest shirt. Like my stomach used to bulge out of it and my arms were pressed against the sleeves so it sucked wearing it because I'd sweat so easily and it was just uncomfortable.
The size four pants? Noticeably loose on me now. The shirt? Fits me perfectly. It's so strange. I've obviously gotten skinnier, I'm obviously thinner than I've been in years - so why is it all I see is fat?
Up until last week I thought I weighed almost one hundred thirty pounds. I didn't though. I was way less than that.
I should probably be satisfied. Part of me wants to invite all my friends to a party and tell them all about how I've lost weight and how powerful I feel, and the other part is just disappointed I'm not skinnier.
Whatever. At least now I can wear all my clothes.
I'm so happy, but as soon as I feel happy, I get sad again because I have no one to share it with. I wish I could be a reverse dementor... Instead of sucking the life out of people I would breathe it into them...
Right now I want to hold someone's hand and curl up next to them on the couch with the TV on but we wouldn't be watching it, we'd be talking or like painting each other's nails or eating, or at least I'd pretend to eat, and we could talk about super girly stuff or farts, I don't even care. There's a whole spectrum. I want to share it all.
Sometimes, I feel like I have so much to give and I wish I had someone to give it to, and other times I feel flatter than a crepe and when I talk to people the most interesting thing I can think of to say to them is "I'm tired".
FUCK. WHY IS IT THAT WHENEVER I FEEL SOCIAL I'M AT HOME ALONE?