LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
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2013-09-22 17:44:33 (UTC)

Fatty Fat Fat Fat McFatness

September 22, 2013 Sunday 6:45 PM


Okay, so if you are someone I know personally please DO NOT READ MY DIARY. Please. Even if I used to let you, I'm asking you and hoping I can trust you to stop. Please. Because Iately I've been writing in my other diary but I miss this one it has all the dark memories and for some reason I like the darkness. Please don't even finish reading this entry. I'm FINE. I'm going to ramble about my great life and then I'm gonna say I'm fat but every girl does that. I'M FINE I DON'T NEED YOU LOOKING OVER MY SHOULDER. OK? Okay, thank you.

I prayed to god. I asked him to give me a great year. I hope he's real.

I could go on about how I don't deserve his attention or whatever but I think that goes without saying.

I've been through a lot and I still think about those horrible things in my head. Every time I swallow my nightly medication. In the mornings when I take my antidepressant, not really since I'm so drowsy at that time.

Since june, I've lost about twenty pounds. I know weigh 116-117 lbs.

I want to keep losing weight. At first it fell off of my body because I became a vegetarian and started eating really healthy but then I just wanted to lose more. Last wednesday I went to the doctor and I was shocked and happy to find out I only weighed 118 but if I were to see that on the scale now I would cry. Anyhow seeing that weight made me want to lose more and so it began.

It's only been a few days of me eating about 600 calories a day. I set my limit up as 1200 but I feel extremely guilty every time I eat. Like yesterday I ordered a 200 calorie caesar salad at a restaurant and ate only half of it and still felt so fat. None of my clothes are tight on me now. I have to wear belts on almost all of my pants because otherwise they fall down. A sweater I got in seventh grade that I never wore because the sleeves were too tight now fits me perfectly and a dress I ripped in June because I was too big to fit in it is now too big on me.

So now, when I look in the mirror, why do I feel so fat?

I ate oyster crackers and felt so chubby for eating them even though I only ate thirteen. Still, that 54 calories.

I really don't want to develop anorexia. I really really don't, not because I don't want another mental disorder, but because I know after they make me better I'm going to gain tons of weight and I don't want my hard work going down the drain.

*Sigh*

I know I'm not fat. And I'm not gonna blame it on my loneliness. But the only thing I d most of the time is watch Netflix or watch the scale.

My friends and me are farther apart than ever.

It's awkward when we talk most of the time. I can't wait to talk to my new friend, Sam, tomorrow at school. It's awkward with us first but I least there is a reason, which is that we were never really friends before.

God. I'm not depressed or suicidal anymore, and I haven't cut in ages (although I've been bruising myself.) but there comes a time pretty much every day when I just want to shoot myself in the head because I'm such a sucky person.


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