John Doe

Chronicles of a Drifter
2013-09-22 00:35:00 (UTC)

Entry 137

It's been a while since I've written. Mainly because I just haven't found the time. Work has taken over my life. My dad jumped for joy when he found out I was only going to be attending my classes mondays and wednesdays. "Oh, great,do o have a job for you" he said. He wasn't kidding. I've got my work cut out for me. And I can honestly say that I hate every single second that I'm toiling away with my dad. I just finished crying and complaining to God. I don't think I cried enough honestly. I still feel so very ad inside but I cant push out anymore tears. I still feel kind of full of emotions. My life right now is so small and secluded. And I hate it so much. It's composed of two main factors. School and Work. Both of which exhaust me. I don't even get to go to relieve my stress at the gym anymore. I feel awful. I haven't gone the gym in about a month and a half. I stopped going to gym as much because every time that I asked my mom to drive me she gave me a bitch face and then a big ass sigh. She always complained and told me "oh i have so much to do and now on top of all that I have to take you to the damn gym." Well, what are we paying a monthly membership for? I get so mad thinking about it but I suppress it, as usual. But yeah, that's basically whats going on right now. I can feel myself depressed and sluggish. For the past few days I haven't been able to sleep very well in the night, I have trouble getting up in the morning. When i do get up from any type of sleep I feel so awful. My body aches and my head pounds so hard. It takes me a while to adjust. I don't drink any coffee or smoke. I don't like caffeine or nicotine. But let me just vent as to why I just had a breakdown. I've got so much on my plate. More than I can chew. My parents are fighting like kids right now. They said they're splitting(although I don't know anymore) . I'm fine with them splitting. Ever since I was a kid, I've had this motto. Why should they have to suffer just to make me happy. They are people too. Thats the way that I see it. I know ralfy was probably hurting a lot since he barely even wants to touch upon the topic but i believe the same rules should apply to him. He shouldn't be selfish. The only problem with them fighting is that the person that they go and vent to is guess who? Yup, me. I'm forced to listen to both of their sides complain about how they hate the other so fucking much and how the other ruined their life. How the other should get hell blah blah blah. I fucking have to hear them out every single day. I'm getting sick of it. Why don't they understand that they should NEVER bring their kids into their problems. Its not like they gave a fuck about my opinion before. All of a sudden , now that they aren't on the same page, i matter. I don't wanna get in between, both are my parents. Now, another thing. We just bought a new house. So because I decided to move with my dad over there, because its closer to my university and because I'll finally get to have my own room, my mom decides to act like a bitch to me. She thought she could guilt trip me into staying but its not gonna happen. How convenient. She has her own room with a king size bed and a plasma tv where she could lay back, relax, shut the door, and get away from all of us. I sleep on this old ass couch that slaughters my back every night and I'm supposed to be okay with that. I have no privacy here. If I ever want to be alone to do ANYTHING like talk on the phone with someone, webcam, cry my eyes out, do homework, whatever the fuck i want to do. I can't. Because someone is always there to interrupt, disturb, and butt into my business. Thats not okay with me. That's why I want to go too. But my mom didn't care. She thought eh, fuck you, your betraying me. She thought she could just eradicate me too then and treat me like my dad. Until my sister decided to leave her too. Then she got her panties into a huge ass fucking wedgie and decided its time to grow up since everyone was about to leave her. She stopped throwing her hissy fit with me and we're on good terms. One problem solved there. Speaking of my sister....we can't pay that private school anymore. Serra was utter sabotage... Now saint anthony is charging about 600 a month. My dad doesn't want to pay it. He will not be paying it. So we have to find her a new school. Rosa doesn't want to go to public school, especially not Compton high. And i understand. My mom is pushing Rosa to go to SA because my mom is so ignorant and believes that only Catholic school will get u into a good college. My mom had the audacity to say " well if your doesn't pay your school, hes going to ruin your life. It will all be his fault. " what she doesn't understand is that the california public school system has a lot of resources that are there to help struggling kids. Rosas life wont be ruined. The only person that can ruin rosas life, is rosa. Not my dad. Don't start pointing fucking fingers. If rosa doesn't put her batteries on and start to really try hard in school and make an effort, THAT WILL RUIN HER LIFE. Not, ditching a catholic school. Private school is a luxury, not a necessity. There are lots of other ways to get rosas diploma. Adult school, alternative school, independent study, etc. LOTS OF WAYS. Rosa will be fine, she just needs to get her head in the game. Mom and dad decided they wouldn't get involved in her school shit though...which is so terrible of them. So Rosa, who can't do anything for herself to save her life, got a lucky strike. She went to the local fair and met up with an old friend. Marilyn, told her about this independent study school called city of angels. I called up the school and talked to the staff and I'm working on getting her enrolled there. That looks awful. An 18 year old, older brother, taking up this responsibility. When I spoke to the lady on the phone she asked where my parents were. And told me that I seemed very responsible for an 18 year old. And it's true. I'm fucking great for my age. If something goes wrong or needs to be done, I make sure that I do it. Whether I have to make a phone call or go to an office. I just make sure to get shit done. And it's a good thing too. My responsibleness is what got me into college. It's what got me financial aid. It's what got me to graduate. Thank God that I came out this way. Preventive and cautious. Well yeah, on top of all this, I have to work EVERY SINGLE DAY. No rest on sundays. My dad is driving me crazy and he doesn't think about how taking my rest away from me is effecting me. I have homework to do.... I have to give up my social life, so that I can help him. This sucks. Mon and wednesdays I go to school until 5 pm. And every other day, I work my ass off . I wake up at 7 pm and we don't finish till about 8. 9 hours of work every day. Times five, means that I'm working forty five hours a week. Plus the 16 hours of college courses. And all the homework. Plus dealing with Rosa's school. And then having to hear my mom and dad complain about how much they hate each other. Then dealing with my best friends boy problems. It's just so much. I hate work. I hate it so much. I work with my dad. He's mean. He's terrible. He's always crabby and flings things everywhere. He fucking hits everything ! I don't know how to explain it but when I'm in the car he slams the cabinets, pulls forcefully on the stick shift, drives fast and makes crazy turns, cusses like a sailor all day long. I HATE IT I HATE IT I HATE IT! I CANT GO ONE FUCKING DAY WITHOUT HEARING HIM SAY "FUCK THIS, FUCK THEM, PIECE OF SHIT, MOTHERFUCKERS" and any other fucking obscenity that you can think of! I can't stand it! I hate this negativity. I feel like im going to end up bitter like him! I'm already all jumpy because i feel like at any moment hes gonna fucking hit me ! I can't stand it..,ugh. He doesn't know how to treat customers. He's agressive. He's inscure. And guess who's there so that he can directly take it out on? It's me...i'm sitting there next to him in the car...just me...no one else. ),:. Thats why i'm fucking crying alone at night. Why do i go to work then? Why do I put up with it? Because I feel awful for my dad. It's a lot of work and he needs my help...but if I stay there, i feel like I'm gonna implode. He's always smoking in my face which is the source of the massive headaches that i get in the car. I can feel my temples pulsing. It's not fun. It's a terrible environment for me. I barely utter a word at work anymore...i'm finding that I just agree and throw some slanders to make him feel that he's right even though i don't fucking agree. I just don't want anymore confrontation. My dad messed up his relationship with me. He showed homophobic signs towards me as a kid, like he'd hit me if i showed any effeminate attributes. This is a problem because guess fucking what. I AM GAY! And now, to this day, I'm scared to even fucking talk because i fear sounding gay and having to have the talk. Thats a reason why its tough to work with him also. Lately though. Everything he does annoys me. Everything. And im fighting myself for it. Im feeling guilty for getting irritated and I'm trying to stop myself. I think the fact that my dad did some terrible things to me as a kid is subconsciously showing up right now that im constantly around him. I want those things to go away. I want to forgive...but its a work in progress.. ),: . I hate work...i hate it so much..,God please, nomore. I have guilt for not accompanying him. But work is tearing me apart. I come home so tired...i barely have the strength to do homework. I barely have time for friends...im going to end up all alone. And i dont want that! I dont want to end up like my dad! Please help me! Ill take any other job. Mcdonalds, carls junior, a fucking gas station! Just please....help me...nomore or this. And help my dad too. Make somehow, something work for both of us ): . I'm so desperate. I wanna do other things. I wanna spend time laughing with my friends, join clubs at school, go out and have a work experience in the corporate world, not just a small business, and I want to volunteer at a shelter somewhere, I want to learn to play piano. I wanna do so much while I still can....but i can't. Because my life is consumed in the chaos that i call home. Well...that's all for now I guess.. Night.




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