DayDreamer23

Figurative Language
2013-09-19 03:12:26 (UTC)

I'm stuck in this fucking rut

Dear Kitty,


I can't stop crying, and i'm an ugly crier. Everything feels like it's just all fake, like an act everyone puts up for me so that i can pretend to be happy for a little bit. Then in a few days everyone get's tired of it and I realize how terrible things have been all along. My life is like one big give and take. It's like as soon as i start to do better in School or dance, my life in every other aspect just get's terrible and vice versa. I feel like I'm not allowed to be happy, like I'm not allowed to like a guy and be liked back, I'm not allowed a chance to have a boyfriend, I'm not allowed to be in on everything, I'm not allowed to be able to trust my 'friends'. And you know what i'm tired of it and it feels like shit. I feel like I've let people walk all over me for so long that it's just normal now, like me not getting what i want isn't a big deal because i'm already 'used to it'. Now maybe you don't know everything about me and maybe we aren't the best of friends, but if i still consider you a friend and i respect your life and you feelings then sometimes i expect the same in return. I wish I knew how to take the control of my life back, It's like I've lost myself over the past few years trying to be so nice and friendly, well guess what i'm tired of it, I'm tired of just being that girl in the corner. Maybe sometimes I want to have some attention, maybe sometimes I don't want to be the sidekick.
God I hate that term, "sidekick", and you know why i hate it? Because it applies to me so perfectly. I'm always just kind of....well, there. I joke about it often but i don't think people understand the deep emotional ties i have to that word now, It's like slander for me, it's like a slur that puts me in my place. I'm not blaming any of my friends, don't get me wrong, but i just feel like i'm always two steps behind and I'm always the awkward one and I'm always just in the background and you know what maybe it would be easier to just stay there but i want more. I want to have a little adventure, and you know what i don't need those people who tie me back as the sidekick to do it. I can do so many things but i do so many of them...alone. i go on adventures in my mind, i write stories of great multitudes using my own imagination, I can use my words to take me places I can't even imagine and i don't need them to do it.
But what i do need right now, is for my friends to stop leading me on. I need them, so desperately need them, to be straight with me and stop fueling my crush on this boy because obviously i'm hopeless and the faster i get over it the better. It almost hurts writing this, how sad it seems to sound in my head and on the screen, it seems like i'm giving up which i guess...i kind of am. But it's also not all my decision, i know everything does not revolve around me. I know he probably has feelings for another girl and I know that he doesn't really know me that well, but it still hurts. Maybe i got my hopes up too high or maybe after all this time i just forgot what it felt like to want something with someone so bad, maybe it's just me....maybe i thought i had too good a chance. But it seems like lately a lot of things are too good to be true and they end up just like that. Now i need to find a way to communicate this but it's hard because my hopes were crushed by one of my friends and we all know her and really love her, so it's hard for me to feel like this. It makes me feel so utterly alone. Like i'm going through all of this by myself. And honestly, i am. My best friend only makes things worse because she can't see how i really react while we text and i never tell her that i'm really falling apart in my bed room over a boy who barely knows i exist. Maybe i'm breaking down over more than just that, maybe I'm falling back into that dark place again, but maybe this is just a fucking rut and maybe things will get better. I hope they get better because to be honest...life's feeling pretty terrible right now. Pretty damn terrible. And nobody else knows it.




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