twistedangel2012

The Wildflower
2013-09-19 02:03:17 (UTC)

Today was a good day

So I have recently had a lot of time to think about my past loves. My past intimacies. I lay alone in bed at night searching for a pattern. I think about my sex life, I began to ponder the last time I was intimate with Ian.... I know it happened, during the months be was here, I know there was sex. I remember holding back, telling him I didn't want to have sex with him. He was here to help me with the kids, to allow me to go to work. (now of course that didnt work out) but I didn't want to sleep with him. I cannot remember how or when, or where it happened... But I remember the feeling of sex, the regret, the hatred afterward... The knowing that once I had done it, once I had sex with the Scar, I will have lost myself. My body and mind will break down.... And it did. It is all a blur.

The days and weeks he was here I spent it on auto pilot. Where I set my mind to survivor mode, I numb feeling, I refuse hurt, I function robotically cowardishly until I push him away again.

Now he is gone I try to remember the last time I was sexual with him... I remember being in the shower... I don't remember before, or after, or how. I don't remember how many times I had done it but I know it was at least a half a dozen, I only have my feelings to rely on because I can't remember anything else. I don't remember him touching me, or starting anything... I was drinking every night...

I was joining in his addiction, given up on keeping him respectful and sober. So I must have been drunk for the sex? I wish it never happened... I give myself to him and than I feel dirty, used, abused.

In the shower I have one flash, him in front of me, my back against the wall... Having sex, and I freaked... I pushed him away from me... I said "I can't do this" and I got out of the shower. We never touched each other again. Not our hands, or by accident, we didn't even talk. We sat in silence while I watched him drink and drink night after night, time resetting every morning. Waking up angry, waking up tense. Waking up day after day to him not at work because he drank too much the night before. I remember being so upset that I had to be around him all day again.

I had to stop going to work at night because by 9 o'clock he was well into beer number 8 or 9 and that was if I babysat him and slowed the drinking by giving him distractions or making him wait. I will love him always, it will hurt if he dies before me, but Scar is very sick... And I have a life to enjoy.

When I try to remember our last time together intimately, which time really stands out for me... In 12 years with Scar, back and forth since I was 16 years old, when do I remember passion in our sex... My mind brought me to 2008, after I came home. I left for wiarton, spent 3 years loyal and dedicated to my family, no Scar, no Razor, no family. I came home, and was in bed with my scar within weeks. We reconciled, I sacrafised my work and my family to be with him, back than we made love... Ever since than it has been sex that I don't even get to remember anymore.

I don't remember sex with people when there's no passion. But DK, I can remember everytime... It can be said the same for My Cupid as well... I was in love when we were intimate, my mind blocks out sexual encounters that weren't out of love.

DK was here today and we made love, well i was making love, im not sure what's going on with him but I've chosen to let him feel what he needs to no matter how long it takes. I am in love with him... I tried to remember how long it had been, sex in the shower with the abrupt ending, and im guessing it was in June sometime... But i held out for DK, i missed him so much, i couldn't stop thinking of him the whole time scar was here. I was terrified to choose scar and leave DK in the past... I couldn't, its part or a lot of why i sabotaged scar. I made it impossible to be around me. I pushed him away... DK is not single anymore and the jealousy is very hard to bear, the wanting to be with him. The wanting to be his girl.

I have come to know love by definition is supposed to come to you. I will be patient, kind, non judgemental, non pressuring, i will just love home selflessly in hopes to one day be loved back. If it doesn't happen it will be because there is someone else, and i will fall out of love.

I am still very much in love with DK. I have been for years, i remember a lot of passion in our touch, in our intamacy even 8 years ago.

I will never be intimate with anyone other than DK, there is no body else i can have sex with, without feeling dirty afterward, or without wanting them to be DK.I even became unable to make love to my cupid near the end of his life...

Our last date together, DK and i were seeing each other, i fell in love with him this decade as fast and as hard as i did years ago. When cupid and i cuddled and kissed, he was commenting about love songs and talking about our life together that he still very much wanted, i cringed, i froze up and i was running away mentally... Attaching my heart to DK.
I kissed my cupid and i reached for the scars on his back, his shoulders weren't the same and his scent was not DKs. I couldn't kiss him... But remembering all of this, i know i still loved my cupid deeply, but i had fallen for DK... I chose DK... The same weekend my cupid ended his life...

I believe i had to move on to have my children, and DK the same. M and e and j and j might not be here if we didn't part ways, and now our time will come again.

Everyone will find happiness, and he will take from his relationship what he needs to, to become the person he is destined to be. I pray it will lead us together but if not i pray each of us find real love.

Xo DK
Xo my cupid and xo scar... But scar, i pray you get healthy, and i pray someone loves you worth it enough to choose love... Over beer.




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