Vanilla

Fustration.

I dont know how to express my anger. HOW in the fuking world can my luck be this shit???!! I dont think I even know anyone whos this fuking ambitious and driven, well thanks society i no longer feel any fuking self beleif anymore.

...Had to pause this I was too angry. Ive calmed down now. Infact I was histerical before. Ive basically had 5 interviews last week. I was so sure I would atleast get 1. Especially the one I had today, you know what the feedback was..I am excellent, great communication,great marketing knowledge plus experience etc etc BUT the fuklord thinKs I will get "bored" in this job because im too over skilled. ARE YOU FUKING KIDDING ME???????!!!!!!!!!!! BRUV IM LIVING ON NOTHING, IDONT HAVE A SINGLE PENNY TO MY NAME, IM BORDERLINE POVERTY,I CANT AFFORD TO TRAVEL TO THESE INTERVIEWS FORGET BASICS SUCH AS GETTING UR FUKING HAIR DONE OR MAKEUP OR AFFORDING PERFUME,, OH HERES THE BEST BIT IM WEARING RIPPED SHOES,YES RIPPED SHOES WHICH I TRY TO COVER UP IN INTERVIEWS BECAUSE I CANT AFFORD A NEW PAIR. INFACT i CANT REMEMBER THE LAST TIME I WENT SHOPPING...BOREDOM IS THE LAST THING IM WORRIED ABOUT! So yes i burst out crying like the last bit of hope was ripped out of my chest and dumped into a trash can full of broken dreams. I went gym...it helped...oh and I spent mums benefits money to buy boxing gloves because right now i need it im going to go insane living like this. It angers me because ive tried so so hard. Ididnt choose this fuking life, i didnt choose to live in poverty, have these useless parents, have a depressed fresh ma and a alcoholic and now dead father. Its just so unfair. despite all the fuked up shit ive been through and unlike my drug dealer neighbours, i didnt end up like the ghetto i live in, i went to uni, worked and gathered experience, bloody worked for free and never told my company once that i act cant afford to live like this and work for free just to gain the exp in marketing, and this is what I get for all my efforts?

Its fine though, its FINE...i think i need time to digest this all because Im not ready to accept how hard this really has become for me right now. I dont want to cry about it and feel that sinking feeling of fear being jobless and hopeless. I need to stay optimistic, its pretty bad right now but hey i just think of pursuit of hapiness and think of will smith and how he got through it...and made it.See if Will Smith can do it so can I.