MissEnlightenment

Bipolar Mama
2013-09-03 07:43:40 (UTC)

Running with it

AAAAAAAAAAAAAnyways
I'm always explaining myself.
Always.
It's seems to be a key component in my personality.
So today for the firat time in my entire mental health journey I am thinking about my personality.
I've had soooo many realizations through out this.
Don't get me wrong, I've had countless false realizations before and mental health is obviously something that i hold very dear, but I feel all realizations that leave you feeling more enlightened are grand as they hold truth whether right entirely or just in part.
Blah, yet again reading over my words.
Making sure they're good enough.
This reoccuring thought pattern
Relationships are the fucking worst.
I'm crazy.
I mean, not crazy by definition, but "crazy", crazy the way you describe yourself when something overrules your better judgement.
Well, that's me all the time.
Even in my clarity, only an odd moment goes by where I'm not reassesing myself in the eyes of someone else. I'm not really sure who that person is... but there's a part of my mind that's constantly telling me it's essential.
Which leads me back too BPD, could be OCD aswell, these constant reoccuring thoughts of self displayal being concentrated in different ways.
I suppose all diagnoses are the same but I'm sure many professionals would agree that a diagnoses is an important component in the healing procss so I cant help but ponder it.
I big part of me feels like I really clung to the bipolar diagnoses, although episodes in my past make it seem almost scarily possible but also still possibly just extreme conditions. Currently I feel the only way this can really be determined is by furthur behaviour.
I wonder how it'd work if I have BPD and Bipolar.
In a way I feel like this would be a relief, because it may explain the rage i display almost daily (lately)
Not sure if I'm relapsing or cycling.
I'm not sure anyone could tell me.
I'm scared though. That's how I can really tell I'm not in an episode.
In the slight possibilty that I used my (litterally endless and unconrollable) manipulation tactics to get a bipolar diagnosis as i, at the time felt it was my soul calling. I seriously felt like the chosen one, is it POSSIBLE that these symptoms could occur while only experiencing BPD without the pressence of bipolar, that kind of pyschosis? because as much as in moments I like to forget, I know it is possible for me to experience intenne mixed episodes, as per experience.




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