CuriouserAnndCuriouser

Falling Down The Rabbit Hole
2013-08-16 16:46:33 (UTC)

Doctor Time.

Dear Diary,
I had to get pulled out of school today. I have an appointment at a specialist' office for an ultrasound. Not for a pregnancy, but for my ovary. I'm still a virgin, no babies. They found a lump on my right ovary, and they want to make sure it's not cancer. I'm so scared but I know the chances of it being cancer are slim. I can't explain why it's so scary. But, I have to eat and drink lots of water for them to be able to see it clearly. I'm devastated that they're making me eat. I went all day without eating. I punched myself in the stomach to keep the hunger quiet. The past week I've had to eat every day to make sure my best friend eats too, or because I need the food in my system for these stupid doctors appointments. I'm so tired of being fat. I just want to stitch my mouth together so I can't take another bite. I love my friend to death, but Kiki is such a trigger for me to eat. I just don't want her to starve herself to death. I can control myself. Eat once every three says. I hate doing it, but I can't NOT eat. If that makes any sense at all. I hate myself for eating. I just don't know what to do. I don't even look skinny. But when I get there, I'll be sure to maintain it. I won't over do it. I'll hate myself. I don't know what I'll do after the doctor. If I've got the energy, I suppose I can do my homework. If Mo isn't here by now. I told him how I really feel about him talking to his Ex, Rosa. He always manages to bring his ex-girlfriends up in conversation. Like the other night, we shared this magical thing between two people. It's like we were the only two in the world. After all the oral sex, and handjobs and fingering, and neck biting, and hip clawing, I felt amazing. It's not the first time we've done this, but for some reason It was amazing. I was thinking because of the dreams I was having about him leaving me for Rosa, the aftermath of the two of us entwined, was greater than anything I've ever felt. But, right after we were done he says, "Rosa used that knife on me too." I like when i have a cold knife gently stabbing into my hips. It's a turn on for me. But after all of that, he says that, of all things. Then the feeling of happiness was gone. I don't understand why. I'm not jealous of her. I just don't understand.




Ad: