countryrain

Country Rain
2013-08-15 22:01:34 (UTC)

The Log: Days 1-9

Mon 8/5 9:23pm. I hope ur sleeping by now...a few weeks ago you'd have been here and we'd be getting ready to go to bed - together. I can hardly breathe without u. I have no idea how you could just turn ur back on me. You were my perfect angel - my soul mate...its painful to know I'll never have that again. Anyone else will only ever be second best...

9:49pm. My bed feels so lonely..I can't breathe ...you were supposed to keep my heart safe. But you've killed a part of me instead..

Tues 6:36am. I was up at 2, 5 ad now...I couldn't sleep. The physical pain and nausea keep me awake. And nightmares of you. I haven't eaten in more than a week. Saturd, sund, and Mond I ate a muffin each day. Friday I didn't eat at all, thursday I ate a little spaghetti same for last tuesday and wednesday except then I had a piece of sausage too. I think I've eaten less than 3000 calories in a week. But I can't eat - food just makes me sick. And honestly...I feel like I'm dying anyway.

7:43am: I'm sick to my stomach. There are so many emotions pulsing thru my body, my heart, right now...I can hardly keep my head on. The ache in my chest...I feel like someone is punching me so hard ovr and ovr that I cant catch my breath. You're everywhere I look - in every thought I have. You are the man I dreamed of my whole life and I found you and lost you... How can I ever recover from that? How can I look forward to anything without you? No job or money or house or any possession will ever mean the same without you...I'll never be truly whole ever again... How could you leave me?

8:03am: I can't breath...I miss u...and my heart feels like its dying...

11:39am: taking a smoke break...I miss talking to you - the way we used to at least. I was crying at my desk this morning...thank God no one saw me.
Btw...ur facebook account keeps being deactivated...I'm assuming that's HER with ur password...

3:55pm: I'm sitting in my car...crying...I can't breath...where r ur arms? They made me feel - FEEL - like I wasn't a souless body randomly walking thru life...now I'm dead inside. At least I wish I were - it'd be better than the pain..

4:55pm: I'm heading to the grocery store...for a moment I thought to txt u if u needed anything... Then I realized and now my chest hurts again. Today I ate an egg roll. I kept it down too. At least so far... I wana wake up from this nightmare and bury my face in ur shoulder...

5:39pm: do even think about me? Does it hurt u too? I love u... Ur my heartbeat.. My lungs expanding for air... You're the blood in my veins pulsing to nourish my body...

Wed 12;35am: I miss u...I miss ur smell...I miss ur face... I'm such a fool..but I miss u. And I'm totally heartbroken. I wouldve stood by you thru anything. Never hurt you. And even tho sometimes I may have been bitchy or whiney - I wouldve had ur back and never treated u poorly. I love u Baby.

1:05am: I'd wait an eternity for you...I waited 35 years for you to come along..I'd wait 3500 more. If only I knew u'd ever come back. Honestly, I'm so broken..I know I could never be in love with anyone again... So what's the point of being with anyone? To half fill the hole you've left in me? I don't think I can..

1:10am: now maybe u can understand why I've always said I've never meant anything to anyone...cause now I mean nothing to u too. Why should I ever belive anything different? All I'll ever have is pain and loss...but losing u was more than I can bare...

My bed feels so empty...


1:17am: I hear the train. Soon it will be passing you too... (At least I hope ur home and not somewhere else...but I don't really know do I?) For Christ's sake - don't go back to her!!! You deserve better - she's a poison in ur soul, in ur head, in ur heart... Even if its not me - she's not good for you Baby! Don't fall again - you're picking urself up again - she will only ever bring u down.. Don't be stupid! At least do THAT for me...

7:50am: I woke up thinking maybe you text me. Anything to show me u cared for me, that u loved me and wanted to be with me... Even that u just miss me too... I dreamt of you all night. The craziest dream: I was seeing someone else and this little old italian lady came up to me and told me to deliver this mixer to you. She told me I knew where my heart was and so did you...that I needed to bridge the gap. Take the mixer and be where u belong - that's what she told me. I took it and was trying to deliver it when the guy I was seeing busted into the store. Matty came up to me and said hurry - find him I'll distract this guy. And I ran to find you. When I did you looked at me and at the mixer and back at me and said you knew now that I was the one...

8:18am: I can't get out of bed. I can't face the world today...I'm just too tired and too worn out. I feel like the world is winning and I'm losing again. With u I felt like a winner - like nothing could ever break me again. I wish I wouldve told u more often how I felt... Idk where it all went wrong. We had a few small disagreements but who doesn't? Small stuff... I'll never understand. And because of that I'll never trust anything ever again...

9:34am: I'm dying. I can't eat or drink... All that is in my head is you. I want you so badly... Losing u is destroying me...

12:30pm: I fell asleep. But I've been awake for a while and I just can't make myself move... I feel like I'm going to die... Sometimes there are no thoughts - or they're spinning so fast I can't catch them...and at those times all there is is pain. Nothing but pain... Nothig but pain ovr and ovr - every second, pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain painpain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain painpain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain pain...I'd rather be unconscious than feel this all the time...

Thurs 8:06am: every morning is harder and harder. The only thing I ever feel anymore is this crippling sadness... I keep seeing you in my head..standing naked at the end of my bed ready to make love to me...I miss u...

11:04am: I'm dying..this pain is killing me... I trusted you... You were supposed to grow old with me. Hold my hand and rub my hair while I died... Now I'm dying and ur not here...


2:19pm: I just came out for a cigarette and it started raining... I've been numb for about 3 hours now...emotionally... Everyones asking me what's wrong and I just tell them I'm sick. I seriously feel like I'm gonna have a heart attack.... Idk how long I can hold it tgthr. Even my mom is worried- and she never worries about me. She calls and txts me all day long... I can't tlk to anyone, you were the only friend I had so I write here because I know you don't need to or want to hear my incessant rambling.. I miss u so much tho...in so many ways...


Fri: Out of love and respect, I waited to send this to you until ur test was over. What the is the point of trying to move your life forward and make something good of it in one way, if all ur gonna do is fall back into bad old habits in other ways? I know you want to be with ur kids, but staying with someone who makes u miserable, who fights and screams at you, showing your kids that real/true love isn't something they should expect from life? And SHE slept with at least 3 guys while you were with me! She was horrible to you, trapped you by getting pregnant, tried to torment you and rub it in ur face that she was going out and putting on winches and how much money everyone else had and trucks and everything you wanted and didn't have... And even when u were tgthr she made u miserable...or have you so easily forgotten all the lonely nights u spent sleeping on the sofa dreaming about ME?? being a man isn't making choices that negatively effect not only you, but ur children too. ALL children benefit by being raised by happy parents, truly happy parents. They're never gonna get that from HER - you might wanna give them the chance to get it from you. All this telling me how you wanna be happy - and u somehow think happiness is gonna come with being with her? How many times can u try and fail with her? It sickens me. I may not be perfect - I may not be what you want. But my strength comes from being able to persevere and move FORWARD - not running back to the same bad situation over and over. I mean COME ON - how many times are u gonna leave her before u recognize that she's not the one? I miss u - for now. And I will always love you. But I'm starting to realize why you admired MY strength so much... I WILL always love you - thru pain, disappointment, confusion, anger...I will always love you. Forgiving you is my gift to you; but moving on is my gift to myself. You're not helpless in ur life Baby - the big crazy moments are gonna come, good or bad - you can't help that. Its what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are - that's when you become the man you're going to be. Be careful of who that man really is...

Fri night: Who's ever going to understand, much less appreciate, why I love the smell of books...? Why libraries make me nostalgic...? You have no idea how the smallest things in life are the most important, how knowing that someone shares some of your quirks and can smile at you thru the others... I love you for loving me thru all my imperfections, all my quirks...I love u because even though I'm possibly the biggest dork on the planet inside, you know it and loved me anyway... That's not replaceable...YOU'RE not irreplaceable... When the world has given you a gift like that (like you) you should hold it and cherish it...because the world is really dark and cruel and it doesn't just hand out gifts all the time...

Sat: 7:30am. I miss u...I keep wishing you'd have some epiphany and understand that you love me and what I mean to you....

Sunday 8/11: (monday 1:15am). My bed doesn't feel empty anymore. I ate TWO slices of pizza today... I didn't cry once after you left. I watched TV and sad parts didn't make me cry!! We talked...you held me...we made love. Feeling you pulling on my body, holding me so tight, kissing me, burying ur head in my shoulder, looking up at me...it was amazing. It was one of the most intense feelings/connections I've ever had...(The othrs were with you too of course - its always been you..) Even before that, downstairs on the sofa..just having my head on you, feeling your body beneath my hands, feeling your hands holding mine and rubbing my arm and legs...no where in this world could ever feel that good - no whre but in your arms. And having ur head rest on mine...hearing your breathing soften and get shallow, knowing that u were resting, peaceful...and knowing that I was too... I love you so very much Baby... And I hope you come back for good. You are my life - the part that makes everything good. The part of me that makes me whole. I believe in you...in us... I miss u. But for the first time in a long time...I can smile - I can have faith...I have hope. Goodnight my love. I hope I hear from u tmrw...

Monday 8/12: 7:30pm. I text u today...twice. And called..twice. I thought I'd hear from you. You haven't answered. There was a knock at my door a few mins ago...my heart was pounding walking to the door, thinking maybe...just maybe... Why aren't u getting back to me? And why do I feel sick all ovr again? I had so much happiness aftr yesterday. All day today I was actually ok! I ate a snack and lunch AND dinner... Now I feel like I'm gonna throw up. Why baby? All u had to do was text me...call me... I'm gonna cry... I thought maybe the tears were gone. I thought the gut wrenching pain was gone... Maybe I'll try again tmrw...maybe tmrw you'll think of me and want to hear from me... Maybe...

Tuesday/Wednesday 8/14: 1:46am: I'm sorry for what I did tonight...for all the ups and downs lately... Tonight we agreed to meet on te 31st and not talk until then... I'm going to try not to write you here either... I'm going to try to clear my head too.. I'm going to trust you. For the first time in my life I'm going to try to trust someone completely... There's so much I wish I could take back..so much I wish I could do over. But I can't...all I can do is trust you and have faith in me - in us.

Wed 8/14: 8:03am...do you know how fast my heart beats everytime I hear my txt beep or my phone ring..I keep having this reaction like maybe...just maybe...its you...

8:34am: and I want u to know...I heard what you said last night...about what happened when u were younger... I didn't ignore it or dismiss it, I just didn't know what to say. But I shouldve said something... I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for what happened to you too.. I hope u have a great day today. I miss u...and love you...

9:56pm: I was walking up the stairs to go to bed and thought ur probably sleeping by now... Then I got sick to my stomach thinking I hope he's sleeping alone...at home. Somehow, I don't think u are. I'm trying so hard to trust u right now. Trust u with my heart and to do what's right for us. Trust u to come back to me... There's nothing left for me to do but to give u what u asked for and pray for the best. So that's what I'm going to try to do. I'm trying.. I love you so much...and I miss my lover and best friend... I hope you ARE sleeping alone..in ur own bed..the one we shared tgthr... Goodnight




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