xo-wallflower

xo-wallflower
2013-08-09 06:10:26 (UTC)

Lost

I've lost many people in my life. By lost I don't mean they past away, I mean I'm losing connection with or I've lost in my life. The first person is my biological dad. He was never there for me. He left before I was born. He never wanted me. He told my mom to go get an abortion. I have no clue if he'll show up later in my life. Probably not, if he never wanted me then he won't want me now. He left the most important years of my life; my childhood. I know I should hate him for leaving me, but a part of me wants him in my life. It's hard not knowing that whole side of the family. I think to myself all the time, does my dad even know who I am, will he be proud of who I am, will I ever get to meet him one day? Throughout my middle school I had a group of friends that I always hung out with. Once we hit high school it was different. I realized who my true friends were. No one in that group was my true friend. I didn't even realize how different I was to my friends, I didn't fit in at all. We stopped talking and are no longer friends at all. I lost my cat Lacey and by that I do mean she passed away. It hurts so badly. My first cat, I had her for seventeen years. I got her when I was three months old. And it hurts more when people start telling me to "get over it, it's just a cat." "She's going to come back and haunt you." I haven't lost these people, but I feel like they're no longer in my life or I'm losing connection with them, everything is different with them. My oldest brother, left out of my house when I was in grade 5. He was put into a group home and that's when I barely got to see him. I had to deal with hearing and seeing that he's back in juvy, or jail when he got older. I maybe get to see him about twice a year. He's always too busy doing drugs or getting drunk. He has a daughter now and she is the cutest baby ever. I feel like I lost him because he wasn't there throughout my childhood. My other brother, he was always in the hospital. Whenever he was home he was very bossy. He became a mamas boy and got whatever he wanted. He used to hit me all the time. I didn't realize until I thought about it, because of the abuse from him I have such a big hate for violence. All he cares about is drugs, alcohol and partying. Even though my sister and I did spend our childhood together, I still feel like I lost her. She isn't the person she used to be. I know people change, but her change is for the worst and her own friends can agree on that. She is just like my brothers who only care for getting drunk and getting high. She's rude as fuck, and she gets everything and anything she wants. We used to be quite close when we were young and now I'm just one of those people that she lies to and avoids all the time. I try and try to be there for her, but yet all she does is push me away. I've always wanted the sister bond, and from what I see I'll never have that. I do feel like I've lost my step dad, we used to be so close! My siblings would be jealous. I like that feeling a lot, knowing I finally had something that they wish they had. I wasn't close to him for that reason. We connected really well together. It's like I'm his full daughter, we're actually alike in many ways. I used to know many things my siblings never knew because of him. I feel like it's because I'm more mature than the rest of my siblings, and I'm able to understand better. But now it seems like none of that even matters anymore. I feel like when we finally do talk that I'm more of the person who he'd find information out from. We don't talk as much as we used to. My sister took that over, he rather talk and spend the day with her than me. Yes, I get I can be bitchy at times, but who isn't? But it's sad that I'm straight up with my family, but it seems they rather my other siblings; where they lie and tell them what they wanna hear. I've lost that special father daughter bond, and it sucks a lot. I don't think things will go back to what they were with him. We often fight now. My niece I feel like I'm starting to lose her. I don't get to see her as often as I would like to. She is the cutest baby ever. I love her with all my heart. But sadly her mothers side doesn't like my family and we aren't aloud to see my niece whenever we like. My brother and her went to court for custody. She got her. It makes me sad knowing if her mom goes to jail one more time that my niece will be put into child family services. My niece makes me very happy. All I want to do is hold her, feed her, play with her and just be with her. I really don't want to lose her. But I feel like I am. There is this boy and I'm completely in love with him. He makes me so happy. He makes me smile and laugh. I am able to be myself with him. I feel comfortable with him. When we talk it's like the whole world stops and all my problems are on pause. He makes me feel like a better person. He's truly amazing, but at times I feel like I'm losing him. There was a point where it was a month and a half where we weren't talking and I honestly thought I lost him. If I lose him I lose someone who makes me unbelievably happy. I trust him so much. I'm able to vent to him. Might I add, we don't live in the same province. We are far apart from each other. We also haven't seen each other in person. The distance is very hard. Which makes me worry even more to lose him. I feel like at times either it's me or him that pushes one another away. I feel like we aren't as close as we used to be. It scares me a lot to feel like I am losing him. It makes me nervous feeling like it's soon where he'll just walk out of my life for good. I'm just sick of losing people in my life. I'm scared for the people that are in my life right now to walk away. This is why I don't open up to people. They just keep walking out. It's hard to deal with. I can't take another person leaving. 




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