Let Me Go
I'm going through some wierd kinda funk, for like a week and a half. I am prayinggg it wont turn into a monster, a fuckin depression sized monster.
I want to stay in love with my sorrow, yes, but i need to let it go...let me go!
I was so happy. I had so much energy. I had so much optimism. I break so easily. Things with big shadows loom over me and I lose it.
I shatter. I bend down and slowly glue the pieces back together
And i keep telling myself "you have to be strong now, you have no choice"
It makes me cry over dumb things. I lost my aunts fanny pack and i felt so bad, I felt like an utter failure.... a horrid person.
But with big things, I have to stay calm and cool and I have to walk myself through it with deep breaths and I can't look back, because I'll turn into a salt statue, never tearing my eyes away from the past, never moving forward, slowly sliding down down down down.
how is this happening
300 fucking milligrams
400 of the seroquel ISN;T THAT SUPPOSED TO KEEP ME SANE, KEEP AWAY THE ANGER AND THOUGHTS AND CRAZINESS THAT SPUN ME AROUND AND SPIT ME OUT
IT RUINED EVERYTHING IT TEMPORARILY DESTROYED MY LIFE MY LOVE MY EVERYTHING
AND IM STILL SO FUCKING BROKEN
I CANT' BE NEAR BOYS BECAUSE OF THAT STUPID FUCKING PARTY IN WHICH NOTHING BAD HAPPENED...NOT BAD ENOUGH TO BE A PROBLEM
JUST BAD ENOUGH TO STIR UP CRAZYMOODS BUT I PUSHED THEM DOWN AND MOVED ON WITH MY LIFE
I KEEP TRYING TO CONTROL MYSELF
IT DOESNT WORK
BUT THIS ISNT DEPRESSION
I HAVENT CUT IN WHO KNOWS HOW LONG
I DONT CRY AT NIGHT ANYMORE
THE DARKNESS IS NOT WHERE I KNOW MYSELF ANYMORE
I DONT FEEL TORTURED DYING ANGER
BUT THE ANGER REMAINS
IM SO ANGRY WWHY WHY WHY WHY CANT SOMETHING GO MY WAY
SOW MY MOUTH SHUT
SHOVE WORD VOMIT BACK IN
NO ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT THE MEDS
BUT GUESS WHAT? I SPILLED
NO ONE WAS SUPPOSED TO KNOW ABOUT MARRIAGE COUNSELING
BUT I SPILLED IT WAS LATE AND THAT WAS WHEN IT ALL STARTED AGAIN
IM NOT BIPOLAR IM NOT IM NOT I SWEAR IM NOT
THIS ISNT BIPOLAR
IM JUST CRAZY
I DONT DESERVE ANYONE
(yes you do please stop you know what you're doing dont let yourself go down that road)
EVERYONE SHOULD HATE ME
I WISH I DIDNT SURVIVE THAT OVERDOSE
I WANTED TO DIE
I SHOULD HAVE
(stop stop stop you dont meant that you're just angry and sad and confused because nothing makes sense, even after all the explaining they did, you're ok ok? survive. you have to.)
I HATE BEING SO TIRED
I CANT EVEN FORCE MYSELF TO GO TO STUPID SOCCER PRACTICES....
(think of caroline...shh...its ok its ok...everyone gets angry everyone gets sad and everyone feelsfrustrated.... you're not alone.........so just enjoy things i love you ok)
But im so ugly....god im so....how can i love myself...... i try i really do
(we both know you have to try harder. dont be weak. dont be vain. You're not useless....and everything wlill be okay)
i feel like I'm running on a beach, on scalding hot sand... my feet are burning and im running slower than I would be on solid ground because my feet keep sinking...
but you're right. I'm lowering myself into a hole.
I can't do that.
SO here I go... keep on walking running whatever.
I am beautiful.
Everything will turn out okay :)
Sometimes things seem collosal and and scary but they are just specks in your lifetime.
Let me go...you monster... you hurt people, you hurt ME....
You will not win this time.