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2001-10-10 13:33:25 (UTC)

Languid and loose

Feels good to have a good sleep - up at 9:30am - ya for
me. Got to get up earlier and earlier, so I got to get to
bed earlier and earlier. I still haven't shaken the part
of my memory that translates my concience into Breezy's
voice - oy that hurts. Even little things - like last
night I got some liquorish and started eating it, but was
like her voice popped up in my head saying "give me that -
and don't give me that look - you are not eating all of
this tonight - you had enough." And it was weird caues I
really wanted more but it was like my hand that went
through the disassociation was like taking it from me? I
AM losing my mind. My memory is getting worse. I hope
they find something Monday in my Cat Scan and fix me.

I Have a good roommate, but sorta wish I didn't have one at
times too. I have to always know if he's home or not in
the morning cause I just wannaa lounge around the apartment
naked - but can't if he's home - and if he isn't home I
always have to keep checking the window in case he's coming
home. It blows. My terry-cloth robe is ok too, but its
just not the same.

Going to go get showered, go to the library, go to classes,
do the ilbrary a bit more - watch a movie, and get a hold
of Andrew to put some tunes together. Maybe schedule some
darkroom time so he can teach me how to develope film. Its
the only part of photography that I really suck at cause
its the only thing I just haven't done before.

I miss Jade a lot. Didn't get a chance to visit her
grandparents. Evil (Jon) moved to Calgary Friday (the
night I almost died). No one even told me that it was
planned? I wish I never helped Breezy sometimes. I'm glad
I did someone good - but it's made a tense gap between me
and I lot of my friends - and I ended up not benefitting in
any way at all. Seems like a trend. I do everything I can
to help someone so I can be shunned and isolated in the
end. I dunno. The voids in my life hurt so much sometimes
that I really do wish I would just die in my sleep or
something. Whats the difference. No one would really
notice because everyone that ever really mattered to me has
already replaced me. So who would care?

Got to change the topic......

Anyway - got to get to work.