☣PYROMANIAC☣

✖✖Playing With Matches✖✖
2013-07-07 18:51:25 (UTC)

Bully


So, I'm sitting in my room.. Playing Minecraft.
My little brother, E walks in and we start talking.

He asks if he can play.. at first I said no, joking and he was joking too. So then, he says "How about we download this Minecraft park-our map."

This time I really didn't want to do that.
1) I don't like to download stuff like that because it makes my computer slow.

2) I was already playing something, and I was already busy with that.

SO, E explodes at me.
Starts telling me that I'm so selfish, that I won't play anybody else's way but MY way. "It's either YOUR way, or NO way."
I told him, that I didn't WANT to play that way, therefore I did not HAVE too.

He starts threatening to have my grandma MAKE me play.
(He Used to do this ALL THE TIME, EVERY DAY, when we were younger.. and now if I don't want to do something.. he has grandma "make" me.
If I refuse even then, I'm screamed at that as long as I live in this house, I WILL do as I am told.
Then everyone is pissed at me.

I told him that I don't have to do anything I do NOT want to do, and that HE cannot make me do it.
He screams to me this: "Oh, I feel so sorry for you, Dana. When you get a job, are you just NOT going to do what you don't want to do?"

I started to tell him "Of Course not!"

He started exaggerated, blowing this fucking argument up and through the roof,
He pointed everything he dubs wrong about me. Turned the whole damn thing around on me, JUST because I didn't want to do something he wanted to do.

Then he did it.
He pushed me over the line.
"This is why you don't have any friends, and why everybody hates you."

I couldn't believe my ears..
I could feel tears swelling in my eyes.. My throat constricted..
An anger deep within boiled inside me.
I just stopped talking.
Didn't look at him.

"I hope I've talked some sense into you." He said, as if he had just fucking made a break through in something important.
Then he walked out.

Tears fell from my face.
He's wrong.
I HAVE friends.. I have BETTER friends to me than his are to him!
I have friends who love me for who I am.
I don't have to dress a certain way, I don't have to act a certain way, I don't have to be anybody but myself. Unlike E and his friends.

It still hurt.
It confirmed to me..
that I'm just a big loser in his eyes.

All he does, is put me down.
Call me names..
He even hits me..
Sibling Hitting, Not abusive hitting :P
Punches me, or pinches me..
and I'm super sensitive, it HURTS.
He tries to tell me that I'm a fucking wimp, and that it does NOT hurt.
when he doesn't know.
He isn't me.

He hates me.

He's my bully.
My own brother.

E is a spoiled, royal brat.
He's self centered.
Nothing HE can do is wrong.. Everyone else is wrong.
According to him, he's perfect.
If someone isn't his idea of "beautiful" or "perfect"
then they don't deserve his respect, or kindness.
Gay people, Obese people, Mentally Retarded people, genetically unfair people.. etc.
To E, They AREN'T People.

I'm not his idea of "perfect"
I'm bi, (He does not know, Thank God.)
I'm not physically attractive.. according to him, I'm ugly.
I'm chubby.
and..
Being me, Crazy, silly, creative, etc.., which to him,
is stupid, and weird.
Nothing that I say or do is enough.
He criticizes me for EVERYTHING.
How I walk, how I stand, How I speak, How I look,
How I feel, How I EAT, How I SLEEP.
What I like, What I DON'T like,
What I wear, What I make.
He never has ANYTHING nice to say to me.
NOTHING I DO IS RIGHT TO HIM.
He thinks he has every right to speak his cruel words..
He has every right to put me down, because to him, I'm not a person who has feelings.
but he's dead wrong.
They stay with a person.
They go straight to a person's heart and image of themselves..
and if they hear it enough.. they begin to believe it.
He has no idea how it feels, to look in the mirror
and feel nothing but pure hatred because you can never be enough.
To WANT to feel "beautiful"
To want to succeed in someone else's eyes.
He has no idea how it feels to be put down for anything and everything you look, think, say or do.. Every single day.
He doesn't consider someone's feelings.
He just thinks that everyone will just shake it off and forget it,
But not everyone can just do that.
He basically tries to justify what he says..
when there is NO excuse, for belittling another human being.

When he comes in my room,
His little "act" that he puts on for his "friends"
Isn't just an act anymore..
It's sunk in to how he is ALL the time.
He comes into my room, and he starts acting that way..
Like a douche-bag.
Every other word that comes out of his mouth is a cuss word..
He comes into my room when I'm usually in a bad mood..
or depressed, and wanting to be alone..
or when I'm talking to my friends, or trying to do/watch something.
and he comes in here and starts going on and on..
Insulting me,
Hitting me,
Criticizing me.
The tension in me builds.
And I just get so frustrated. So annoyed, and I almost always tell him to leave. (which he never does)
I eventually just have to ignore him..

Sometimes I wonder, if I died.. Would he be sorry?
If I died, and he somehow found this entry..
Would he be sorry for treating me this way?
I hope he knows that everything I'm guilty of doing to him..
I'm sorry for.

E does NOT have to do anything around this house.
Ever since my older brother got a job..
EVEN MORE responsibilities were unloaded on my shoulders.
I began pulling my own weight when I was YOUNGER than E..
and he's turning 13 very soon!

I have to make his sandwiches, and fold HIS clothes..
Clean his messes, Clean the messes that HE FINDS and doesn't want to clean.
I have to wash HIS dishes, clean HIS place at the table when he's done eating..
This isn't including everything else I have to do.

The only thing that they have just now started to make him do..
Is take the garbage out once a week.. (Not even that often.)

Sometimes,
I just want to say I hate him.
Sometimes I believe I do.
I don't though.
I could never hate him.
He's my baby brother.
I would do anything to protect him.
I would help him when he needed me too.
I love him.
I don't know what I'd do without him, because he isn't SO bad.
He can be very funny, and he is very smart.
He's had a rough life like I have.

I just really don't want anything to do with him right now.

Someday, I hope he realizes,
that his words to have actions,
That everyone is equal.
I hope he realizes that just because someone is different from him, does NOT mean they aren't people too, and are excluded from being treated right.


Someday, I hope we can finally be friends, and put this behind us.

But right now,
I mad as Hell at him.

~LoveStruck</3





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