clairelouisax

My Diary
2013-07-06 08:15:26 (UTC)

Oh dear.

So yesterday, I was in town with Alison and Ash and we went to starbucks to get drinks before going home when Dan facebook messaged me. I was obviously still really pissed off with him from this morning having a go at me so it took me a while but eventually I went outside to call him.... which was weird because he was sat outside HMV (which are right next to each other!!). Me and Dan talked for a bit before going off together and leaving Alison and Ash...

We ended up back at Dan's, talking and trying to sort stuff out which didn't do much so we went to vivary park with Marley. We were there just smoking and listening to music whilst eating chocolate brownie and when some guy passed on a bike he said I had a nice ass (?!?). I was ridiculously happy about that though cuz recently I've been doing the squat challenge because my bum has gone really awful and flat :( ah well, apparently it's improving :D

Anyway, we went back to Dan's again after that for a bit and Calum Eliott asked to meet up so we got a lift down to the fair to see him and went off from all of the others into the park to have some smoke. After that I don't remember too much.. just getting chips from starfish bar then going to McDonald's with Dan and getting drinks.

I remember when me and Dan were talking, he said that when he broke up with me he stopped loving me as much but he still loves me lots. I'm really scared though that's he's going to get over me so easily and I don't know what to do. Maybe I should play hard to get a bit more? When I see him I could just act really nice and sweet all the time to try to make him fall for me again? I don't know. I love him but I don't want to love him. I just need to find a way to make him love me enough to still stay friends and me not to love him at all so I won't be obsessive. I think that's my main problem though, being obsessive with boyfriends.

Anyway, last night, when we were in McDonald's it was just me and him. I was just pouring out my entire heart and soul to him saying that I loved him more than anything and I'd literally do whatever he wanted me to yet he didn't even care. He was just being so blunt and I'm actually just scared he's already over me :'(. He even said to Calum last night that we're just friends with benefits.

I don't know what's going on, I just don't want to hurt like this anymore. I want to be with someone who's going to love me just as much as I love them. Someone who's going to respect me entirely and always think about me. Someone who won't flirt with other girls, but spend all their time and energy on me. Someone who'll call me beautiful all the time and hug me and reassure me when I say I'm fat. I just don't know what I want but its making me so depressed. I'd better hurry up and decide.




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