☣PYROMANIAC☣

✖✖Playing With Matches✖✖
2013-07-04 00:16:57 (UTC)

Just Another Update

Have you ever felt so alone, and lost while in a room full of people, or street, a classroom, or hallway, or A house with your own family?

Today my little brother E, got to spend a few hours at his friend's house. His friend who just so happens to be a girl, AND another friend of theirs who is ALSO a girl. They're all in the 8th grade.
On top of all this, The girl's mother isn't even home, and her 25 year old sister is watching the kids.

We actually went to get him around five o'clock.
The entire way there my grandma was ranting about E getting some girl pregnant.. and I'm think wtf if wrong with you? If you BELIEVE that he would, WHY did you let him go to a GIRL'S house to stay, NOT properly supervised, ALONE with TWO girls HIS age, for MORE than enough time for something to happen?

She was actually saying things about the girl's mother, saying that she shouldn't be letting little boys hang out with her daughter.
WHEN SHE IS AlSO FAULT FOR LETTING HER GRANDSON HANG OUT WITH TWO GIRLS.
All I could do was just sit there and listen to her, Looking out the window.

I actually think that it's not THAT big of a deal.
If something happens, it happens.
The girl just so happens to be E's closest friend.

What really ticked me off, is that my grandma told me
"You kids have a lot to learn."
I'VE KNOWN ABOUT THIS STUFF SINCE I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD.
I know A LOT more than she thinks I do.

When we got to the house, my grandma got out and left me in the car.
I looked out the window and watched the rain fall.
There's been so much on my mind lately.
Suddenly, I began to feel angry..
My grandma hardly knows me. She THINKS she knows me.
I feel so distant from my family..
So misunderstood.

I feel so pressured here. Smothered.
I'm being worried to death every single day.
So much is hanging over my head.
I want to get away from here.

Josh told me that when I'm old enough, and that he can get an apartment.. I can move in with him.

He's so far away.. and that day that I'm finally free of this place is two to three to four years from now.

I started thinking about my past, and my future.. and so much inside just boiled, as I watched the rain drops smudge the image of the trees through the window.

I've come so far.. but for what?
I look back and I see so much wrong and mistakes.. and hurt and loss.
I look forward and all I see is pressure into being and doing all these things that are supposed to equal a good life.

I just don't see the point in it.
I was born into a world where everything is already decided for me.
I'm afraid.
Everything I'm supposed to face.. It's all going to be a huge rush into adulthood and I don't ready at all.
I feel like I'm still just a kid standing in front of this planet that is filled with so much wrong.

You know how frustrating it is to want so much to get out of the place you're at, but so afraid of what you're going to have to go through in order to get there?

I don't feel ready.. I'm terrified.
High School is going to be over for me in nearly two years..
I feel like I'm trying to stand in a spot so I can gather the strength that I need to face this world.. and SOMETHING is constantly behind me, pushing me forward..
So much is expected of me.
My entire family is expecting great things out of me.. For me to go over and beyond.. when I'm so scared of the first step, I can barely breathe.

I'm the responsible one in this house.
I'm the punching bag.
I'm the one whose got their stuff together.
I'm the one who no one has to worry about..
That's what they think.
They REALLY don't know me.
I feel like I'm just going to be a huge disappointment to them,
and to myself.

There's no escape. No other way out.

So many more things are clouding my thoughts and swelling in my chest, and weighing on my shoulders.
So much tension in every inch of me.
So much pressure..
So much emotion bubbling inside me.
and I can't write it out.
I can't find the words..
I feel like I'm in this bubble, and I'm screaming and crying for help.. but no one can hear it.
I hit a wall when I try to describe these other things that drag me down every day..
The entry I wrote before this is an example of that fog, or wall that I hit when trying to write about how I'm feeling.
I feel like water is rising in this bubble, and I'm going drown...
and no one can hear it.

Charlie and I have been speaking less and less.. :(

The last time I talked to Karl.. I snapped at him.
I feel bad about it. He hasn't spoke to me since. He's been depressed again.

Truth is, I've been so angry at him lately.
Why? "I Hate Everything About You" by Three Days Grace explains that I guess..
For a long time.. I've felt like he's put me down the most.
In the beginning, He was so compassionate.
Now.. I can't reach out to him.
We used to be to so close, Now he just lectures me when I have a problem..
He opened up to me.. but then slammed shut and drifted.

My feelings for him.. blinded me from who I really wanted to be with..

Josh.
Josh is the only stable thing in my life at this point.
He's the goal I'm living towards.

~LoveStruck</3




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