All that is
What's to tell.
1. I've moved house. four people again total, myself included. 2 boys both brothers, and one girl (girl friend of older brother). I can already tell that the girl does not like me. What's new. Nothing I've done in particular, but I could probably hazard a few correct guesses.
2. It is my birthday on tuesday. As always I'm feeling ambivalent about it. Not looking forward to turning 24. Is it strange that I don't look forward to my birthday? I mean some people look forward to not just what the bday brings in terms of being the centre of attention or presents etc, but just that feeling of knowing that today is your bday. In the same way that i don't look forward to Christmas day (I really should stress though, that I love EVERYTHING that leads up to xmas) I have no pleasant bday memories from when I was younger. Apart from when I turned 6. I remember jumping up and down excitedly saying 'I'm 6 today!' Then maybe when i turned 7 years old ( we were in Saudi at this point). I dressed up (as was customary to do in our Ni'an household) and my mummy took photos. Then i turned 8 and it must have been downhill from there, because I have no pleasant bday memories after that. not one. thereafter, they all involved being embarrassed at church, or asking to do something fun with my friends and cruelly (it seemed) being denied permission.
3. On the topic of my bday, darling bea very thoughtfully organised a drink session in sloane square to see me before she goes to spain next week. It was great fun. Initially it was to be just myself, her new boyfriend and her. But as ever, in bea style other guests wer already there by the time i arrived. The majority were lovely so I really didn't mind. Plus having company was nice to be honest, after spending days and days in mental solitude, trying to finish this project, that still seems to be fucking me up the arse, even in my sleep. I've dreamt about it about 4 times now and counting. Anyway. She wanted me to meet her new boyfriend too. He's very very lovely. And handsome. Like I found myself feeling attracted to him now and again - in the most respectful of ways of course, considering bea is a good friend and besides probably something to do with the fact that I've not had any action in months. An ex pro tennis player, smart, down to earth and sweet. I'm so happy for her, it's about time - she's such a great girl, big heart, intelligent, social goddess. hope it works out for them.
4. On the topic of lack of action.. It's really become a bit a joke now. I don't know what's worse - that on the eve of my 24th birthday, I've never had a bf or i'm still not in my dream job. the latter fingers crossed, should change in a few months, i feel certain, and by ggrace. but the former, is just quite niggling now. I almost feel self conscious - like other people know and can tell? It's no coincidence that when a guy (doesn't matter what he looks like) puts his hand on the small of my back to gently guide me somewhere, i relish the touch.
So is this what it feels like to be so chronically untouched that the slightest show of anything perceivable as affection, sends a feeling of warmth through me, emotionally as well as physically. I secretly delight at anything that may lead others to assume I'm part of a union of any sort. Walking into a men's store, testing men's perfume - just last night one of bea's colleagues from work was there, and as it happens we went to get some food in china town after leaving the botanist. At first I didn't see it, but as the night wore on, (almost completely alcohol free I should add), it became clear that he was fairly good-looking. about 6'3/4, blonde hair, well built, strong nose, eyes. He's 31 yrs old. Love it. So we were on the escalators walking out of leicester sq tube, I was stood on the stand still part and bea's colleague P walked up to join me, so he was stood beside me. We must have looked like a couple. I was too busy feeling delighted that before i knew it, i noticed a blond girl walk up beside P, still on the escalators and say something to him. first of all I think she's walking up and just saying 'excuse me', but nope. turns out she's talking to him. I'm stood right there so i see and hear most of it. I should highlight that this doesn't usually happen - but it was 12midnight on a saturday night, so she was slightly drunk. The parts of the convo i heard were 'where do you live?' 'where are you from?' 'what are you doing now?' 'oh that's a shame, i want to know you..' I felt a slight joy at finding myself in a scenario that allowed me to assume the position of 'girlfriend'. how did i want to play it? Gracious and lighthearted and some show of a sense of humour at the sight of my 'boyfriend' getting chatted up by a strange, albeit pretty girl? Or possessive and annoyed at his willingness to engage with her. I decided to respond with a sense of humour and lightheartedness. This girl cares not what wide-eyed girl attempts to rouse the flattery of her boyfriend, for she knows that they know that he is hers and that she is his. The kind of certainty and shared knowledge that needn't be worked for. the connection is so right, it just is. Yes. This girl exudes grace and sophistication. like a french woman.
Other than bbdo, sex is on my mind 24/7. I must have fantasied about what it must be like to go to bed with just about every guy I was introduced to last night, but bea.
11 months since i first started speaking to dvy. and i still feel fresh. that feeling i get when I use my windows phone. encapsulates that moment in my life last year. I seem to have been on an (endless) campaign of self healing, last year. It's because of him. what happened to me? what did he do to me? he fucked me up. turned me into a fucking psychopath. I'm not over him. he's moved to bp now, the job he told me about. making £110k a year. and about to turn 28. what a winner. not just because of his salary, but he had that go-getter streak about him that i just love. BP is in st james park. near my work place. i have this fantasy that i go to get my lunch around that area one day. it's sunny, like it was a year ago when i first met him. then we lock eyes and I look away first. I'm not sure how the fantasy ends. I have another one where someone who works at his office invites me for drinks because we're friends. Of course i have no idea dvy will be at the bar after work. but he is. we see eac other and don't speak. then people start telling me 'congrats!'. and then dvy asks one of his colleagues why that is, and she says she just got a job at one of the top 3 ad agencies. the fantasy goes on, but there are things i can't even write, they are so ridiculous.
I 've tried everything to get over him. Rock climbing, going back to ben a for sex, Xhit training, badminton, Jesus..
Speaking of Jesus. I've started attending church more. I'll speak on that later, but wow. talk about adding another dimension of moral complexity to life.
Pain. I guess it's a matter of sensation.