Cool Candy

Cool Candy
2013-06-22 17:10:10 (UTC)

What do I name this?

I belong to a normal middle class family in India and all my life I’ve been told that love and stuff like that aren’t going to work out in families like ours. But I was a teen once who decided to listen to her heart. I wasn’t in a relationship but I was on the verge of getting into one when I found out that the guy was a cheat and was hitting at two girls simultaneously. I decided to love him with all my heart despite knowing about the constraints in my family but when I got to know about him, it just broke my heart and I was torn into pieces. For an year or so, I haven’t spoken to any guy too closely. Later came this other guy. We started talking out of the blue when he randomly inboxed me on facebook when he learnt about his curt behavior towards me some 2 years before that through a friend. I din’t know what to say. I had forgotten whatever happened long back so I decided to be nice to him. We started chatting on facebook. It’s surprising how we used to chat for hours even in the beginning when we dint even know much about each other. Eventually, chatting on fb became texting and texting became calling. I used to share all my secrets with him and we became best friends. I told him that I don’t trust guys too much especially in stuff like relationships and was always very careful with him however close he was. We used to talk a lot but would never meet as we lived in different states. When he came home for vacation, we decided to meet. The first time was very awkward as he was with all his friends and we stood opposite to each other with dumbfuck expressions. We did talk, but very little. This was not how we thought it would be. That night we talked over the phone and laughed it out thinking how strangely we behaved when we met. Later, he went back to his college and for a semester or so we kept texting and talking. This summer when he came home, we decided to meet again. The first time we decided to meet, I was very reluctant, but this time I was all excited about it. I was busy that day when he came to my area but somehow finished my works quickly and went to meet him. It was awkward again but it was much better than the first time. We spoke for some time and then I went back home and he went to a friend’s house who lived in my colony. After an hour, he texted me asking if we could meet again and yes, even I wanted to, infact i was very elated and we met up again and spoke for a long time. I remember every bit of it and it was wonderful. That night, when we were talking on phone, he told me that he was glad we met and that he had a great time though we din’t do anything much. Time just flew. Two hours just vanished. I was hoping to meet him again next week but for a longer time: for a movie or something but I couldn’t ask him as I dint know how he would react. Also, I was scared he would “misunderstand” it as I was into him. After long hours of talk that day, I told him what I felt and told him not to think the other way. This turned into a very sad situation and he was very upset about the fact that I dint understand him too well. He said that it hurt him and he assured me that he would never think of me that way and told that we will be good friends forever and nothing else and told me not to worry. In a way, I feel its my apprehension that led him to assure and promise me that.

Now, this I feel is the most stupidest deed in my life. It’s been a month since this happened and now I feel I’ve fallen for him. I can’t even tell this to him after whatever happened between us. Somewhere, deep down I feel he likes me too but even if he did, it’s impossible for him to open up infront of me because he already promised and assured me that something like that wont happen between us. He talks about girls, some who think he loves, some who he finds cute and all and also about some girls who he doesn't like too much. I act like I don’t care. But I cant take it anymore. Nor can I tell him. Its difficult for me. But there is a good probability of he not thinking of me in any other way except as a friend after what happened between us but despite all that I love him better everyday. I cant tell him about this firstly because of what we decided-not to see each other that way and secondly because he is better than me. The other day he was talking abut his family friend who went behind a guy and got into a relation with him just because hes a rich guy! Being a sensitive girl, this had a great impact on me. Now this guy who I’m talking about is evidently richer than me. I don’t want him to think of me like the way he thought about her. Also, I don’t want to be the seeker. I’m trying hard not to think about him but it doesn’t work. I’ve fallen in love with him. I’m upset with myself that I allowed myself to fall in love with him. But knowing the kind of person he is, I’m not expecting anything out of it. I mean, I'm not hoping for him to reciprocate the feeling. But I expect him to respect it because falling for him is something that I've never planned..

But today, I was talking to a friend and she mentioned this-“life doesn’t hurt unless you look back to see how much things have changed, who you have lost , and how much of it was your fault.” Now, I don’t want to move forward in life and later regret for not telling him about this. I don’t want to lose the friendship that we share right now by telling him about this either. I feel sorry for myself for falling for him. I really don't know what to do, its killing me from inside. I wish ppl fell in love mutually. The best solution for my problem is to fall out of love. Can someone please tell me how to fall out of love :'( ?




Ad: