Ranmat

The Last Hours
2013-06-23 17:41:03 (UTC)

If someone pushed you off a cliff.........

Are you kidding me? its 2:45 in the morning. I have to get up at 6. I went to bed at 11. Im so going to suffer for this in the morning. But this has awoken me out of my sleep! From dreaming! And I feel I need to get it out. Truly try. I think by me burying this and for so long….. that its going to contribute to me having cancer later in life.
So I pray to take this…… whats turning into hate….. out of my heart. I should be “forgiving” and praying for him to understand and get a clue. But I just really want him gone out of the picture. I don’t wish anyone dead. But for something to happen where he is just unavailable forever.

I thought I was doing the “right” thing. And in the long run, I believe I am. I know what it feels like to not have a father or to know him. I know the affect it has on boys. So, although criticized by my family with their “Why did you even let him know he had a son”……. I will not be the one who stands between my son and his father from having a relationship. (If that is what they choose to do). I am hoping, like me, my son will realize that his father aint shit and will distance himself from him.
Yes…… I’m going to say this how I feel and then try to take the high road……
I am reaping what I have sowed. All though years of being promiscuous and not getting caught, well, has caught up with me. It was my decision ultimately to have my son. This is what I keep telling myself so as to not start hating my son’s father. However, I wouldn’t be in this position if it wasn’t so his selfish stupid mistake.

Who takes the condom off without asking or without letting you know? Just to cop a feel of vagina flesh? 5 minutes of one of the worst sexual encounters in history because I was on the hunt, trying to fulfill a sexual desire left behind by meth. Truly I feel my son is a blessing in more ways than one. I was really at a point where too much time and money was leading me to trouble…. New kinds of trouble in areas I was unfamiliar with. So my son has saved me and have brought me to a type of maturity that can only come with forced responsibility and out of love. But I get so angry because 7 years later, his dad has NO clue…… no fucking clue on how his selfish dumb decision has impacted two lives…. Mine and my sons.

You don’t know who/what you get when you are involved in a one night stand. Getting pregnant from a one night stand happens more often than not but not to anyone else that I know in my life. To him, it’s “it is what it is”. His father never helped me during the pregnancy. Not even to take the time out to give me a jump so I could get to work. I had to move, get a new car and do all the preparations for my son while his dad avoided me and threatened me, asked me why did I even have him, after he was already born and did not give me a dime until the paternity test was positive…. Which I paid for in full.
He “contributed”……. Within the first year……… about 200 dollars……… most of that coming from his sisters and his momma….. not even him because he was not in the “position” to be able to…… he had to prepare for jail. 4 years later he is out and trying to get on his feet. I’m not going to ask of you what I know you cannot give. You can’t get blood from a rock so I gave him a pass. I didn’t even ask for anything through child support leaving the doors open for him to show us how much he wants to contribute. And when it boils down to it…… money helps……. However, its not about the money…. Its about the time that you put in. You know, teach him something… if you cant teach him something morally or spiritually or safety or hygienically correct, can you teach him how to ride a freaking bike? Can you read a book with him? Can you sit on the porch and eat an ice cream cone with him? He thinks because he drops a 100 dollars on Christmas that he is actually doing something. Nigga please! When I step back and let him handle it, he looking at me to go ½ on something or as if I’m trying to take him for all he got!!!!

Of all the freaking people I could have been stuck with for the rest of my life. He is the only man I am around that I have to pull out my card with.

So to be fair, he doesn’t get completely off the system until around Dec of this year. But for the last 5 months of so, he has been able to come and go as he please. What does he choose? To live with this woman who is in love with him who has a son the same age as mine and to play house because he aint got no where else to go. Which isn’t entirely true. He was at his uncles but it was just a lil less convenient for him. He playing dad to this lil boy but not to his own son. I love that he is with her, although I still have to be subjected to his tacky unwanted offers of wanting to come over and “suck on my asshole” (who says that? Who does that if you haven’t been together longer than a lifetime)….because he should have baby daddy privileges and “no one has to know” while he is wearing a fake marriage ring on his finger as if I would even entertain the thought with his horrible no big dick having, not knowing how to beat it up, sloppy timid high school sex experience. “Gangster for life” tattooed across his chest. You cannot judge a book by its cover! Why did I think he be more Braun? He has no will. He has no heart. He is so weak to me. He cannot stand on his own two feet. He is an abled bodied man who need assistance.

Whats worse is that he thinks he has so much game. To hear him talk sometimes,….. you can tell he has been around so old school players whose game has become extinct. Where does he get this shit from? I can hear and see his brain trying to think of how to be clever in order to come at me as if he is Mr. Mickety Mack and it just makes me sick as it reminds me of how inexperience he is with any type of quick wit…… let alone trying to get me to “be in his corner” by “assisting” him with what he might need.
I politely decline….. trying to keep things “cool”… because he is the sorry type of nigga that if he aint cool with the baby momma…… the son really wont get to see him as much…….. so it might not be…. Once a month or once every two months… it just might be 3. He justified this when he tried to threaten me with the whole “if you ever get child support on, I wont know you OR Jonah eva”! Nigga, kick rocks who cares…… doesn’t he understand that if I got child support … I would be at the point where it is evident he isn’t trying to contribute and I wouldn’t care if he was around or not? Me caring if he is around is hanging on a freaking thread. My son is 7 this year. He is still to young….but I’m hoping… and he is a smart kid….. he feeling the vibe….. of when they ARE alone…. His dad is busy cleaning his car off……or not knowing how to converse with his own son…….without a drank. NOTHING in common.
My sarcastic son…… .it is just a matter of time that you open your mouth and say something to make your father feel as dumb as he is. I await the day.
When your son wanted to play rock, paper, scissors…….. You thought it was a new invented game.
When we ate lunch….. Your comment on not knowing what the proper name of a “crouton” was
I cringe when he talks…… “more specialer”……. And it kills me when he tries to dispute something.
I cant stand how he is slew footed. I can’t stand how he dresses. I can’t stand how he has to leave it up to me to order or take care of something when forces intimidation isn’t warranted.
He will NEVER fathom having to spend 600 a month in child care or having to pay for food and clothes and activities like soccer and basketball. I am not made of money. I don’t have so that my son does have. I get my clothes from goodwill! I start my grind at 5am and I don’t stop until I go to sleep. I have no idea of what it is like to leave a place when you want and come back when you want. Again, its was my ultimate choice. I have to keep telling myself that. I just wish and wish and wish……. But my brother tells me, People are who they are. I do not have the power to change this. I got out of it a beautiful, smart, handsome, crazy little boy…….. I paid for him at the cost of having this tacky man in my life. My son has grounded me, saved me from being off the chain in my late 30’s when it long over due to have self control as an adult. Maybe I can find comfort in knowing he has saved me and grounded me and I have a part of me to love so much…. Opposed to feeling like I’m beauty with this beast around. If only I wasn’t so tired of doing everything, all the time…. Or if I had a little bit more assistance and support. Or maybe if I knew how to just stop and relax and smell the roses, I could appreciate more things. I am thankful for what I do have…. And I know this feeling for his dad is not healthy.
I need to overcome the feeling of embarrassment when he is around making it KNOWN to everyone he is Jonahs father (he likes to feel that he had enough “pull” to have pulled me to the point of having sex so as to make himself more credible to others)! AW!!!! Lame, lame, Lame, Lame!




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