Vanilla

Scared to love and trust.

I try to tell myself that Im not damaged goods, but I really am. I feel like I wont ever really be able to love again, to trust again or to really give myself to someone. How will I ever be with someone again? I keep looking through peoples facebooks and just seeing how happy and in love they are, all ready for marriage, engaged etc and then I look at myself, and compare our age, and it seems they have grown into pretty older women, who are mature and secure, and me, I still havnt developed, like im scared to love, to trust and to want because Im scared I will be left heartbroken time and time again.

All I see is the broken promises that M gave me, and the life I led with him, where he broke me down every single day telling me Im not good enough, and ofcourse Im going to beleive that, who has ever told me I am good enough? That I should be loved that I should be cared for?Ive only ever been taught that love is pain, that love possibly doesnt even exist. I stupidly believed those movies where they have loving parents, or find unconditional love in their partners. Thats all I ever wanted, unconditional love and I never got it. Now Im scared to even try again, to even open myself up to the possibility because I really have been let down by everyone so many times that it has left me heartbroken, depressed, hurt and absolutely shattered. Each time I got up to try again...it happened again where my expectations have burst. I just want to feel that love that everyone else does, now I have to numb myself and not let myself be vulnerable because everytime I do people use that to their advantage. I wish there was one person in this world who could just take it all away for a lifetime. Who do I get angry at? My mum? my dad? my family? or all the failed relationships that led after the heartache my own parents gave me. When I know I drove myself into the arms of cheaters, abusers and untrustworthy men.