Sad Heart

Sad Heart
2013-06-18 11:12:06 (UTC)

I need to talk to you Diary

Hi Diary
Today is the first time i felt i really wanted to write down what i feel....the best friend i used to talk to just dont understand me anymore so now ill just talk to u Diary.

Im a have been involved with a man for about a year now...We are really crazy about eachother.

We are now living apart in different countries, he is working abroad.
We really want to get married and live with eachother but there are things that makes that impossible right now.

We love eachother crazy but the distance is tearing us apart.

Yesterday he was telling me how much he needs me to be beside him...he is afraid that he might be throwing away his youth cuz he is waiting for us to be together and he isnt even sure if it will be possible cuz of lots of reasons in my life.
He says he have so much girls around him that are intressted in him but he keeps them away for of me......

I told him so whats your point?...You want to break up and go have fun with them? He said no thats not just afraid that im getting thru all this pain away from u then after all this u wont even be mine.

I told him that´s a risk u have to take if u want to be with me and its your choice

He said i want to take the risk and it would be worth it if he ends up with me but if he dont end up with me then it wouldnt be worth it.

It hurted me a lot to hear that from him .....i told him the meaning of taking a risk in the first place means u cant be sure of how it would end up to be so if we knew and were sure we would end up together then it wouldnt be any risk to take in the first place.

But he kept repeating no if we dont end up together then u wont be worth it and it would be waste of time...

How should i suppose to feel when i hear him say this?

I know i want him and i know he wants me too and for me im living for the moment i can marry him and start my life with willing to take all the risks and i wouldnt regret taking any risk with him even if i wouldnt end up with him. Im so sad he dont feel the same.

He keps telling me how much he loves me and adores me but still he can say something like that....i cant understand that.

He called me this morning being lovable on phone as usual as nothing have happened but just felt something inside me ....i just couldnt feel his love words he said to me....he kept saying you only sent me good morning on viber without any love or cute words as i usually do....i just wanted to scream at him and say " i didnt say them cuz i dont feel them "

I usually tell him when i dont feel his words but today i couldnt tell him that cuz we had faught so much these last few days and if i say that he would just get crazy and im so emotionally exhausted to argue with him or discuss anyhing right now.

I feel i was cold towards him on the phone....i had mixed feelings towards him....i feel i miss him crazy but at the same time when we talked a few ago i just felt i wanted to close with him cuz he just keep wanting to comfort me not to be sad but i just felt i didnt want to hear it from him.

Im just sad cuz he is really one of my best friends.....we were friends before we got to be lovers and i always felt I could talk to him about anything and i felt how he understood me back then.

But now i dont feel he understands me at all and that hurts.
I dont feel i can say how i really feel cuz he just gets mad and fight with me . Thats why i rather just shut up.

A few ago when we were talking on phone I told him i want to close now cuz i need to go...he said with irritated voice : okay go then and i hanged up.

I know he got a kind of mad but i cant help it...i dont want to speak with him right now

sigh...but i cant deny i still miss him so much

Best regards / Sad Heart

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