Mrs B

Nothing special
2001-06-10 00:36:38 (UTC)

School days

when I was at primary school, I was popular, outgoing and had a large group of friends that I was very close to. Moving up to secondary school however I became very nervous, shy and found it very difficult to meet new people. As most of my friends had gone to different secondary schools I felt very alone and I was terrified. On my first couple of days I stuck with a couple of kids I sort of knew from primary school, and eventually made friends with a group if three girls who had come from the same primary school as one another, Rachel, Ellie and Danielle. with myself and a girl named Lucy from the same school I had come from we soon began to hang out together. Rachel and Ellie were best friends, very close and although we were all in the same group they were often reluctant to include anyone else in their plans after school. Danielle was very outspoken and loud which was a direct contrast me myself as I spoke very softly and hated being centre of attention. She soon made friends with another group of girls and didn't hang out with us so often and then not at all! Lucy was quite similar, she flitted from one group to another, she had earning difficulties and was often teased as 'the kid who is always accused of having nits and being unclean' although that wasn't true, she was just unfortunate enough to have learning difficulties and a lisp. Soon it became me, Rachel and Ellie. We did hang out a lot out of school although Ellie saw me as competition for Rachels friendship - I later discovered that Rachel liked the attention of a possible rift between me and Ellie and used this to her advantage, whispering to Ellie that I had said something or done something which would create an argument to which she always took Ellies side and not speak to me for days until she decided it had gone on long enough and created a 'make up' story. She did however phone me at night explaining that she was still my friend but she couldn't talk to me at school as she was ellies friend too and she didn't want to make Ellie madder at me so by pretending not to be my friend she was actually helping me! Stupidly I believed this was true so throughout the first 4 years of secondary school this was a reoccurring problem, Because I was so shy and so unwilling/unable to defend myself I did become a target of bullies, usually just name calling or a bit of shoving here and there. however when it was a friend causing most of the problems it meant that I was totally alone, Rachel had a knack of manipulating people, myself included. I still remember all those nights I would lie awake wondering what school was going to be like, whether i'd get to school and the desk would be empty because she'd decided I wasn't a good enough friend for a couple of weeks, the whispers, the comments and the shoving all happened, i'd cry myself to sleep and wake up in the night with nightmares, Beg my mum to let me move to a different school and hate her when she said no!
When Rachel decided to be my friend again I was always the fat friend, Rachel had a lovely figure and was quite an attractive girl, compared to her I was massive and very ordinary. The lads would always go to her and I was left in the cold when she found herself a boyfriend. Although I did get a bit of male interest at school I wasn't really interested, there wasn't anyone i'd fallen for (although when people suspected me of being gay I desperately pointed to the first lad I saw and pretended to have a crush on him to stop the speculation - with the sort of friends I had being gay or the suspicion of being gay would have made my life worse than it already was).
Throughout school I did increase my circle of friends, however I am happy with my own company and didn't really get the whole 'being in love with boy-bands' as I was more an indie type of girl it did mean there was always that bit of distance between me and my friends.
I took away a lot of memories from school, most of them bad but I do have some good memories. As I look back now I know if I could re-do it all it would have been very different! I am angry more at myself as I should not have put up with 5 years of 'friends' who were more like enemies, stood up for myself a bit more and realised that mum was usually right, arguments blow over and I made it through.




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