Vanilla

The story behind me and my abusive ex

So I never really wrote down what happened between me and M I mentioned in the diary that I started falling for M after the whole V incident. I guess I wanted to forget it all not let myself feel anything.

Me and V dont really talk anymore...maybe once every 6 months or so, hes a big shot lawyer now...me and M ended up together after that one night where i hugged him outside goldys and then for months we were seeing each other then we finally ended up together and for a while I was happy...deluded but happy. I felt secure, i felt like my life had a meaning and a purpose and it slowly took all my depression and anxiety away. We went out for a year and half..i moved into his and we were pretty much THAT couple..till things slowly started showing cracks..he started getting abusive...obviously i took the shit. I am a weak minded idiot after all.

I felt..well im not sure if it was love but I felt a strong strong "love" for him, i wanted him, needed him and he pretty much became my everything, but we all know by now my fate is just so different, that im always destined for pain. I confided in him, he knew of my childhood my life etc everything..so he knew my weakness's. Some days we would end up in massive arguments and he would hold me down and not let go I would tell him hes hurting me and to get off (hes very strong...body builder) so I would bite his arm to make him let go and he would get angry and push me/slap me watever. I would cry my eyes out he wouldnt give a shit...in the begining he cared...after a while though my "tantrums" became norm..annoying I guess, he would tell me to grow the fuck up that im stupid and immature. That im ugly not worth much. And I beleived him...because he was such a strong character and so manipulative when I think about it now I think he was a narcissist. I learnt to deal with the abuse...i told no1...infact I was painted as the abusive one because he was good at making me beleive this was all my fault...hes probaboly the best manipulator ive ever been with. Some days he was kind to me...he would hug me kiss me and we would just be in each others arms...it makes me feel sick to think about it now though that i was so vulnerable...what did i expect I did get with someone when I was mentally fuked, depressed and suicidal.

My last birthday I was veyr drunk and we got into an argument he punched me in my face...i remember it because I snapped out of my drunk state and realized he just punched me...that night he made me sleep on the sofa because I was the "bad guy" I cried myself to sleep..it was my birthday...my boyfriend just punched me and now im being punished for his mistakes...and im so pathetic that im taking all of this..where all my senses? wheres my pride? wheres my self respect?

He forced me to have sex with him..put conditions on me..i thought I was meant to give him that...because thats what men live on and thats what im meant to do as a gf right?

By may last year I started getting a strong feeling that something wasnt right (minus the whole abusive thing), it was my final exam at uni and i was revising on his brothers laptop when i started going through it and found a video of him fuking another girl..i couldnt see his face but i knew that was his voice...he had actually video taped it and it was dated a year after we were going out...I went numb...so numb I called diana told her...i coudlnt even cry we were both in shock...I packed all my things...i deleted anything on his laptop he could hold against me and ive got to say that was one of the worst days of my life...everything fell apart...just EVERYTHING. It was like I took all that abuse thinking atleast hes faithful...atleats this alteast that making all these dumb excuses for him and that broke too...he did me wrong in every single way, every single sense...he left me with no pride, no diginity, nothing...like I was some ugly used door mat. I waited for him to get back as he had gone shopping to get me my favourite food. I confronted him as he walked in...weirdly calmly even for me. And he started screaming saying im so thick..this was before bla bla i showed him the video with the date, i told him to explain this...he just kept calling me stupid saying im gonna reget accusing him..i called a cab...he just kept shouting abuse. And the whole way back home all i could think was my whole life has just changed...everything has been taken away...i took so much...because hes right...im so stupid and weak and vulnerable. I got home felt empty...i cant remember most of my days but I called his close friend who is also my friend and told him that M still keeps denying it...i needed the truth I needed M to tell me...just give me that..confess. He finaly conffessed apolagised whatever.

I was weak for the first few months...it was 2 weeks before my exam so i was at the library and ofcourse M was at the library too...so he would keep coming up to me and telling me how he still loved me and hes sorry and it was my fault he thought I was cheating. Im not going to excuse my stupidity but this is how it went after that..i stayed with him for a few more months...because he said he would change...on a normal day I know this isnt true...but i badly wanted to beleive he would..i did go cold..we did have arguments...i did ignore him and he would keep textn calling etc and just not letting me move on, that i gave him..and then one day it finally ended and i never spoke to him again. Its been 8 months. I didnt tell any of my friends that i stayed with him...i couldnt...how foolish would I look? I knew I was being foolish.

I felt numb, cold, lifeless, unable to really feel for months...and months..but one things for sure...when it finally ended i deleted everything..i chucked everything away..and i awoke every morning feeling sick to my stomach, heartbroken and empty...looked in my mirror told my self to man the fuk up and went out into the sun...and did anything and everything I could to get over it. Because enough was enough I couldnt go through what I did with V. It took me 2 months to get over the pain. Now its there as a scar...a reminder of how weak I cannot ever let myself be.

I have no faith in relationships now..i trust barely anyone....I feel pain over guys I liked after that not loved obviously..but felt attraction to...because thats the person I am..but I deal with it alot better. I dont know if this has changed me or not...but I wont ever let any guy stop me from living ever again. I wont let myself feel and fall so hard.

I dont know why Im thinking about all this now...it feel sso weird writing it down...I never told anyone...all of this..kept it all to myself...i guess when I was going through it I just didnt want to aknowledge it I wanted to pretend I was ok till I felt ok. Wiritng it down or telling anyone makes it real. I do think about him still..and i hate to admit it that I am bitter...he got over it pretty fast because thats the type of prick he is...thinks he can get any girl any time. That hes a fuking fitness model, that he got the job i wanted at JP morgan...he has success written all over him because hes a rich bastard who gets everything he wants...people like that never get karma...you have to care enough to be hit by karma..he has and never will have a heart....I should do some work...but when things change in my life...it makes me think of everything else..everything ive been through and overcome..

I hate being painted as a victim..or a character of needing sympathy..although sometimes ofcourse I like some care and sympathy..but you know how it is in the world..you tell someone something deep and thats the image they have of you forever.

My outer image is: a very very very optimistic, positive, strong yet girly and slightly childish woman with a "bubbly" personality and a breath of fresh air. I dress like im important..other days I dress girly and flowery...people are so easily fooled. I have a fake smile painted on my face pretty much from the minute I walk out the door. I run away from my feelings and avoid them. I never let people know what Ive been through..I think people see me as someone whos had a very good life..whos very spoilt...but Im glad I keep that image...i dont want anyone to ever know my weakness's ever again. I am such a dark person...Im two different people...that extreme from happy to the world..sad on the inside...

...but I know one thing...i'll never give up.

Hey atleast Im not depressed.

Dianas bday tomororow...gota get her a present..everyones going to be there...I am gonna drink like a motherrrrrr..gotta dress hot aswel...lukily ive lost alot of flab and started getting toned, my bums perked up, my legs are toned...im getting abs yay..my fitness aim is not to look skinny...but to look atheltic...most girls think its not attractive to have so much muscle, but I want to build muscle..not a freakish amount but enough to look hot in anything...going Ibiza in a month I need that extra hot beach bod...really havnt planned how Im getting home..fuk it I dont care I just wana party, drink and dance.

I dont know If i should go gym today?...I think im addicted to working out...for lunch im going for drinks with work people as im leaving...after work....gym? My body is so so tired as ive been doing 5 days a weak intense weight training and circuit..barely any cardio though...but im feeling the urges to work out now...release all this stress...im so close to my body goals...I feel tighter and fitter..