Vanilla

I seriously never give up.

But nooooooooo I just have to keep going dont I. Bloody hell. Lol so Ok yes he may be a player, but like why is he so fit? seriously? whyyy. Ive been avoiding his existance all week, so I decided to flirt with him last night, response was actually okay. Its just that when I had my first gym session with him I literally saw him and panicked. Last time someone held me, or directed me as to what to do at the gym was the cheating ex. And the way he smiles, the way he walks, the way he god damn holds me reminds me of the ex. I saw gym guy and my heart went taaaaa badaaaa BOOM. Instantly had butterflies, nearly passed out, emabrassed myself and he was like are you nervous? Im like ofcourse not im just sick...you know whats worse im on the floor hes leaning over me, and the song "close enemies" comes on...and then I start blacking out. How emabrassing would it be to admit to someone that Hi I passed out because your so fit?...anyways I know we had an instant connection, just from the way we speak. I know hes attracted to me, but I dont think its enough..Its been a month and a bit since that incident. And hes given me 5 free gym sessions with him lol. He even started printing out all these plans for me...it was a bit obvious he was slightly into me, as I did tell him straight im never buying his sessions, it will NEVER happen and Im leaving the gym soon. I dont know what I want from this, I certainly dont want a relationship or any commitment, but I do want to date him...I havnt felt the WANT or NEED to date anyway after the ex apart from gym guy (Anser) and isit bad that I keep picturing him naked...arghhh.

I went to one of his classes yesterday thinking yes Im gonna look all fit and shit...LOL how wrong I was...hes effing mental...the workout was so nuts I was literally dying on the floor like a dog ive nheevr been to such an intense crazy workout....theres this other gym trainer whos so so sweet her names Gracie and she has that motherly caring thing about her, she calls me "the pretty little girl" it makes me feel awwww. Because she treats me like...well a child. Yes I should be treated like a woman...but every now and then I like feeling well protected...seeing as I never had that growing up. Shes so endearing and I like that she sees that other side to me....not just dopy and stupid... I however noticed cuts on her arm...i wanted to ask her about it but I didnt want to pry or emabarass her..she doesnt seem like the mentally unstable type..or it was mud marks..i didnt get a clear look...if i see her again I shall ask.

In other news I found a new job leading up to head of marketing...which im shitting myself about...its scary because I bulshitted in the interview so much...its also the fact that Im leaving my comfort zone...that means leaving the people I work with, my routin, my environment..and ofcourse gym trainer Anser...which is depressing me...because I finally found some stability, some excitment..and now I have to start over...and I dont want to wander about the "what ifs" with Anser...so Im dropping the distance and avoidance thing, and just gonna go for it in the leasssssst desperate way...which is hard because I HATE showing any interest in anyone. I have to show a little and I hate that, i feel like im exposing my feelings, and im not the exposing type. Im only "all exposed" in this diary. In front of him or anyone else I appear to be a cold but cheery happy and friendly person...the type that gets along with everyone but has a bit of oomph and is closed.