Compassless

Charter
2013-06-01 04:32:43 (UTC)

You Are Your Own Problem, Annie

"I don't associate with people who blame the world for their problems, because you are your own problem Annie, and you're also your own solution." -Megan, Bridesmaids

Well here we are, gathered again at the ol' PC at 12:35 at night to talk about the same boy and the idiotic bitch that messed things up. I am said bitch. I might have ruined something great before it could even happen. Guilt has eaten away at me for hours because I felt the need to fix what wasn't broken. I have never hated someone so much, and the worst part is that the hate is aimed holistically at myself. You see I have these demons that encompass my soul, and the moment Intelligence and Judgement let their guard down these demons use my body to attack someone I love. Then they leave just in time for me to wake up to the mess they made. People hate me for what the demons do and I sit there and watch them bleed with no way to stop it.Other people aren't aware of the demons' existence, so they think that Intelligence and Judgement intentionally shredded them. I don't believe I will be able to stop the bleeding of my latest unintentional stab. Here's the goddamn truth: The demons are backlash from my caring. They do what they do because I care entirely too much. Words can't describe how much I care about this boy. I love him. I don't think it is purely platonic, but my demons don't care. I cut him deep and would do anything to take it back. I would suffer through the 12 labors, eat a spider, make love to a tiger shark, or swallow this tear soaked keyboard whole. I believe that if he knew that, it could fix things. I can't tell him though. Every time I open my mouth the demons possess me and say something that makes him draw further and further away from me. I am so hell-bound that perhaps he should distance himself from me for his own safety. I'm too selfish to allow this. He told me, as I was in the process of fucking things up last night, that I was perfect for him, and he thought he would be bad for me. Wow. So here he is saying this, and I won't let him runaway from the wrath of my demons. I feel empty. I screwed it up. I am my demons. I can't blame them for my problems, and I need to accept the fact that it's my fault. But he needs to know I care. I don't stay up til 1 am for just anyone. I care so much it hurts me. How can I say that? I can't. I am my own solution and that's the issue. I can't be a solution. I'm a possessed 15 year old.




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