Ranmat

The Last Hours
2013-05-27 14:55:12 (UTC)

Break

Today is May something…… Sunday…… Memorial Day weekend….. 2013.

Friday…. .I had my 2nd date with Manny. I don’t know what I’m doing. I know he is a distraction. But… I like the attention, he is pursuing me, he is handsome…. But what is really doing it… is that he is patient. And a gentleman. We kissed. Tongue. Which was a lot to me. We were supposed to “kick it”…. Again on Sunday….. he renigged… I’m kinda glad because…. This really was time that I was taking to “reflect”. I don’t know when the last time I did that was.

Connie was giving enough to lend her place to me while she was at her house in Murietta. I worked up myself to earn it too. I did 5 loads, cooked 2 pork tenderloins, squash, yellow rice, garlic mash potatoes and black beans. Took J to see his “other” grandmother, service, grocery shopping, meeting, did the dishes about 4 times, clean the frig, mop the floor, I juiced, took out the trash, Costco and saw my grandmother. My back hurts, my feet hurts. My mother told my brother, “she does too much”…… but…… No one else does it!!!!!!! This is what my life has become.

So here at Con’s… is nothing to do. Its quiet. Its beautiful I wish I could live somewhere like this. I wouldn’t have a weight problem. One of the reasons I’m here is because I was going to rent a room just to sleep. I just got “the sleep machine”. Sexy. I know. Not like I’m sleeping with anyone well besides my son. But I’m too young for it. Stop breathing 130 times in ONE HOUR! My son is only 6. I have to stay alive for a lot longer. And Im stiffer,.. .my knees are bothering me… and I have gotten SOOOOOOO BIG! How can anyone be attracted to me?????

So….. I’m drinking Kale, Carrots, Apples and Pear Juice. I’m trying to detox for the next two days and start walking and yoga. I’m here to catch up on ME.

I just took a bath in the most luxurious bathtub…. I was about to say pool. I just found out I have two lumps, in my right forearm….. it needs to be rubbed out……. No telling how long that has been growing there.
I need a wax.
I need a scrub.
I need a spa day and a massage. Hopefully I can be back to normal some day. A normal life. Can I have one…. One where I can think. I cant think. And lately Im drifting. Making bad decisions.

I have to poop. Lately I have felt like I just need to release 5 lbs by taking a good dump but its just sitting in me.

I am 42 years old.

I feel this is my last chance to try to do better.




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