My inner thoughts
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2013-05-20 18:46:01 (UTC)

My insecurities

So I got this to maybe help myself with some of my insecurities. I am a 27 yr old nurse with a boyfriend that she loves. People say I'm attractive. I've been called beautiful. I am currently dating a man who is about 5'11 125lbs soaking wet and he says he's not attracted to me. Now if you're thinking what I would be thinking right about now it's the whole pitty party paragraph. Well yes and no I suppose. I am feeling sorry for myself right about now that I can at least admit. I've never dated someone less attractive than me and then to have that person say that they're not attracted to me kind of threw me for a loop. Needless to say my self esteem has taken a hit. I'm not a woman who needs validation from her man but I find myself well wanting him to want me. And while he put it in a better way than I'm portraying it here he still says even though I'm attractive he doesn't look at me and think "damn she's got a nice ass!" Which is fine considering I feel the same way about him. I'm attracted to him for more that the physical. He's not bad looking as far as I'm concerned but I don't swoon when he walks in the room in nothing but a towel. He of course could care less what I think of him naked but me being a woman whose never come upon this problem I'm perplexed and more than just a little bit depressed. I've always had boyfriends that kind of flocked around me and of course if got annoying fast. This one hasn't done that and I think it makes me kind of admire him. But in the same breath I'm furious at him. He has porn on his computer, which wouldn't be a big deal if he wasn't trying to hide it. And the fact that he never looks at me with any kind of hunger. I'm not sure if it is personality or if he's just lonely in general and I will suffice until something different comes along. Point is I don't want to invest anymore of my time into something that will never be what it needs or should be. I don't want to be in a "good enough" relationship. I'm not expecting fireworks or cinderella here but I do want my own story and if I'm honest with myself I didn't expect it to be this one. At any rate I am having serious doubts about our relationship but I am also in love with him so it makes it that much worse. He's a good man and he treats me well. IT's the little things that add up to larger things and then every other thing implodes. I guess I'm hoping and wishing that he loves me enough to be 100% honest with me and if he can't love me for who I am then I hope he loves me enough to let me go because I don't think I have the strength for it.