softballgoddess97

My Secrets
2013-05-19 02:29:36 (UTC)

Stressed Load Above And Beyond

Subject:Giving Up

Date:18 May 2013

Time:7:31pm

Dear Diary,
alright so its been awhile hasnt it? Writing my feelings has always been easier than telling them and alot less stressful. My grandma died first day of Spring Break and its been hard pretending I've accepted it when in truth i dont think i ever will. The main problem is that my nana has been an inconsiderate selfish bitch who always needs drama in her life. she brings my grandmother up in the worst possible ways and i cant say anything because its her way of greiving. but lately she has said horrible things for example when my grandma first got sick (four days before she died) my nana started saying that atleast i still have her and honestly she doesnt fucking get it. my granny and i were very close, she was my boulder when i was sad she was the one to go to make my tears turn to crying because im laughing so hard. my grandma has always been that person and now that shes gone i have nothing. it just keeps getting more and more stressful and at this point things just keep getting worst. they say people die in three and two have already passed but i dont think i can hamdle a third. im not that strong, i was able to hide it infront of my mom but if one more person passes i mentally and physically won't be able to handle it. part of me truly does want to be the third one so i can just be happy and relaxed...is that bad? i just want to run and be forgotten it wont take long for my family to get over me. my aunts and uncles dont really care for me anyway and my parents...well im the reason life sucks now so maybe they can get a fresh start and be that happy family. theyll only have two kids that are closer in age and happier together. in two years im gone anyway so there truly is no point. i dont think it will matter if im the third the only problem is theyd have to pay for a funeral so id have to die in a way that they cant cremate or bury me. i truly do just want to go missing. i really have considered just hopping on busses until run out of money which is june 9 so im okay for another few weeks. it wont be hard i just have to start on a monday and keep going id have to jail break my phone so they wouldnt be able to find me and it would be simple from then on. half of me truly does wish i had never found out jp was my father so i could just have him beat me to death. or maybe life would be easier. angel wouldnt have to pretend he was my dad anymore and his family wouldnt have to pretend they liked me. they could treat me the way they want to as the step kid. theres so much that makes me want to just leave and never come back. if i dont get accepted to a 4year then im just going to kill myself. because if i cant get out at 18 theyll kill me. i just want to know what the purpose of life being this hard is? does karma like piling bad stuff on top of bad stuff? for what to make someone on the verge of suicide and then karma gives them one good thing thing to keep them in this world. karma is a fucking sick minded bitch. im starting to think karma is satan or something because no good persom would do that. its like someone just got fired, mugged, dumped, but the moment they step in the house and hear a little kid say your name youre just happy and forget that you just got three signs to go ahead and kill yourself. my grandma died the first day of spring break but my spring break ended with meeting jonny so i was happy again.my ap test was shit my team lost in the quarter finals my great grandfather died i couldnt go to weenie roast because i didnt fucking have a ride to irvine what else? whats gonna make life worth staying? because im getting sick of feeling like this. feeling useless. ive felt like this since i was fucking 8 years old so dont say its a phase. eight years isnt a phase its a problem that no one cares enough to fix. so karma better hurry and give me a reason why life is worth living because if im going to nothing for the rest of my life than there truly wasnt a reason for my existence. was i just a punishment to my mom for her sleeping around. and yes she had to be sleeping around saying she thought JP was my dad then Angel, now to find out the man i thought was my dad for the past ten years isnt my dad. i give up. not even my dad wants me. my dad fucking got a test to prove he didnt fuck up as a teenager, that im not his. he got what he wanted im not his and maybe i should start acting like it. maybe i should start acting like the step child that i am. ill stop going to his families houses or parties i already call them by their first names. im too close to freedom to give up so if i do nothing by the time im 18 then ill just kill myself i have two years thats enough time right? just give me a reason just a little bits enough. didnt help as much as i wanted it to but im getting bored of typing so i guess its time to go bye
Sincerely,
Pixiestik097




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