~damastez~

Damastez
2013-05-13 23:38:33 (UTC)

Laying down on the wire

Today marks the first day of the rest of my life. Last night, I had a revelation that left me weak and gut wrenched. This revelation was two fold.

Let me upfront and say that I have always lived a selfless life. I served in the military. I've helped my friends to the point of enabling. I work in public health. I'm a builder, not a destroyer. I build people up, I help them become better. When I play video games, I'm always the healer, always the glue that binds everyone else to glory.

I've laid down on that wire before, but always with the understanding that I wouldn't do it for everyone. They had to be worthy, and I was very, very judgmental about it.

I've been with my wife for ten years. I've always loved her. I've always been willing to lay down on that wire for her. But when you're with someone for ten years, something inside you grows that you don't even know it exists until it gets touched. And when it gets touched, it's like a thorn that pierces through your gut into your spine.

Sam is in pain, and the pain it brought me is inexplicable. I've never had my soul hurt like that. It was tormentous. I dreamt of it all night. What I feel for her goes well beyond laying down on the wire. She's the only thing I've ever truly placed in front of myself.




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