Little Drummer Girl

Life as I see it
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2013-05-11 16:50:01 (UTC)

Steaming Locomotive...

Today I'm a steaming locomotive; I'm back on track.

Adam and I tried going to marriage counseling. That just made things worse. I tried going to individual counseling, but the woman never showed. If I were to be truly honest with myself I think I know what to do already. That is why I've turned to writing. I just want to get all my thoughts out on paper. No matter how mean, how one-sided, how callus I sound I won't have to explain myself to anyone. I know what I mean and I know where I'm coming from. This is the place where truth can set me free. I can get it all out on paper. All my thoughts, all my insecurities, all my fears, all my harsh criticisms of myself, and hopefully sort out the truth from the lies - reality from warped self-image.

So far there are a few basic principles I've learned about the key to my happiness. First of all, I need to feel in control. That is a broad concept, but if I can at least commit to working out once a day and limiting my sweet and pop intake to <= one a day I can call the day a win. I eat pretty healthy foods naturally, so as long as I maintain portion control I'm usually good there. And finally, contrary to what "they" tell you, I tend to do better if I don't weigh myself.

My plan is to maintain the control I seem to require for now, until I can dig deeper into my personal issues and figure out why I struggle so much with my happiness and self image. I feel I am at a better place to do that now than ever before, because for the first time in my life, I finally realize that it's not about my weight. It runs so much deeper than that. I don't know what I'm going to uncover, but I'm ready to face it, the good, the bad and the ugly.